Hey everybody I’m Mike Polk hosting newsfeed today because the real hosts were standing on a fault line and fell into a crevice.

Did the earthquake tilt the Washington monument? Apparently there were enough concerns about the structure to shut it down temporarily while they assess the damage. Seventh grade students across the nation celebrated the closing of the most boring field trip ever.

When President Barack Obama heard about the damaged monument, he sprung right into action by immediately calling China and asking if we could borrow some money to fix it.

When former President Bill Clinton was informed that “The Washington Monument” was now a little crooked, he became confused and told the hooker not to worry because his penis has always looked like that. Heyo!

I’m really sorry about Clinton joke, but what’s done is done.

I’m Mike Polk, and you’ve just been fed. Go wash your hands.