Bear Hug: A man once escaped a bear attack when he locked his arms and legs around the bear in a reverse bear hug, which made it confused and it ran off. If you're on your back and the bear is on you, it might be your last resort.
Calm The Charge: While it may be the last thing on your mind, calmly standing your ground when a bear is charging can be the best attack deflector. If you get a bluff attack as a warning, stand, wave your hands, and talk calmly to the bear.
Play Dead: Okay, this doesn't work when a bear has stalked and attacked you, but will work with bears protecting their cubs or territory. So if you are a lover, not a fighter, play dead.
Go Sideways: Because of the bear's huge upper body and neck muscles, rotating their heads side-to-side is difficult. Keep moving to the side to make it harder for them to see you... or see your attack on them.
Microphone tongs may sound fun in theory, but in practice the only reason to use them is if you like looking like a moron.
Feminism, to some, only applies if you're fat. You can't be a skinny feminist because reasons.
You can't tell me that butt looks real. Nope, that butt is almost definitely fake, and the only reason I say 'almost' is because I don't wanna get sued.
'My roommate got drunk last night and brought home a random little person who he just met, who is now passed out on my couch and snoring like a bear' -- don't know the plan, but it's genius, whatever it is.