The 'brief safe' is a disguised safe that no one would ever touch because they look like poop-stained underwear. Or, you could just put your money in the bank, but that's such a silly idea no one would ever do that.
‘…You’re not a horrible, nasty person, so why do you treat yourself that way?'
And this is why you do not cut funding to emergency services -- idiots like this pass the training.
Will the banana guard protect your banana? Yes. Do you have daily activities that endanger your banana? Not really. So do you need a banana guard? Again, no.