According to things I have overheard in the office, sex is awesome. Generally, however, sex takes place between two people of the same, living species. That’s the old standby, anyway. But as it happens, some people get so hard up or, in some cases, so surprised by the awesomeness and allure of inanimate objects that they just have to get their rocks off right then and there.
There’s not a lot of subtlety in this video, it’s not coyly titled or teasing you in any way. This is straight up a dude on the street banging the front grill of an automobile. Why? Well, that’s a question isn’t it? Maybe he has a chrome fetish. Maybe he lost a bet. Maybe all the mashed bugs on the front end were wearing stockings and garters and that’s his thing. We’ll probably never know. But one thing I do know is if you click play on this, you’ll get to watch a man making awkward, uncomfortable love to a truck.
I work on the internet and as you can imagine, I’ve seen a lot of videos. A lot of videos. I’ve seen stuff that should send me to prison just for knowing about it. And despite that, I still have to place this video in that ambiguous grey zone between kind of hot and kind of pathetic. Why? Because a cute girl achieving face-contorting heights of pleasure is generally awesome, but there’s something lame about a dude who wastes probably thousands of dollars on a sound system that literally can have no other practical purpose other than to do this to a woman. Because dude, you could just, you know, pleasure a woman.
Despite the sadness of the man, there’s something to be said for a woman who sits in the passenger seat of some mullet head’s car (you know he had a mullet) and allows herself to be filmed while sound waves so intense they practically pull her hair out by the roots get her off. Everyone in this video has probably had to staunch some bleeding in a Denny’s bathroom at least once.
I don’t know how to feel about this video at all. This man got caught 4 times having sex with his own picnic table, which is something a good deal of therapy and medication will probably be needed to address. Who humps the umbrella hole in patio furniture? That’s terribly unsexy. But weirder still is how this video became a weird pedophilic boogeyman story. Like no one cared he humped the table, it’s just that maybe a kid was in the neighborhood at the time.
Listen, you can take a picnic table to the middle of the desert in Nevada and hump it, it won’t make you any more or less weird. Well, maybe a little more. But not less. It’s still weird is what I’m saying. Don’t hump picnic tables, near schools or otherwise.
I’ve seen some sexy statues in my day, the Greeks and Romans had a thing for crafting a decent marble rack. But a bronze statue of a lion is a bit mind boggling for any number of reasons. Was he trying to do the lion from behind? From the front? Just rubbing the side? Was it covered in pigeon crap? Did he choose a lion because it’s the king of the jungle and he wanted to prove himself? These questions have no answers.
I was on the fence about including this video as it seems like she’s really straddling the line between pleasure and pain here, so to speak. Then I thought “she’s letting a unkempt-looking fellow use an electric needle on her vagina on camera” and everything fell into place like a really lucky game of Tetris.
This video is Swedish, so it’ll make you think of the Muppets as you watch this guy slowly and somewhat uncomfortably make love to a parked bicycle. Because humping a bike in motion would be silly. Obviously this got on the news, and I like to think that guy is going to live another 50 years with that in his mind. Man, remember the time I made international news for humping a bike? That was a trip
Every man has thought of humping a vacuum at one time or another. It’s a device that sucks and nothing else. That’s kind of amazing. Ignore how the hose is probably slightly encrusted with shit from your carpet and it’s like Mr. Hoover is some kind of fellatio fairy. But the sad truth is that vacuum sucking is no good because apparently it’ll get you arrested. Well, if you do it at a car wash. Maybe try it at home first or some such, that’s probably totally legal. And mmmmsatisfying. Not that I’d know.
If you only have sex with one party favor this year, make it a piñata. I know the cake seems alluring, and so do those hats, man that point could fit almost anywhere. But think of the fun you’d have doing a piñata. First, it’s paper mache so it’s going to be rough and somewhat painful. Second, it’s full of candy you’ll not want to eat when you’re done. What’s not to love?
The least animate of all inanimate objects s the body of a once animate person. Gross. Gross like tongue kissing grandma 1000 times and then going straight for the lubeless shocker. Even more gross is that apparently boning a dead person is a health and safety code violation, meaning that, legally, necrophilia is like not washing a cutting board after preparing chicken. What is that, a citation? A week in a class to learn the dos and don’ts of corpse handling?
The dude responsible in this case was a 61 year old nurse at a hospital. You have to assume this isn’t covered by Obamacare and really, I’m not even sure it should be. Hopefully in the future the hospital decides to lay down some strict anti-humping of the dearly departed laws before this becomes a habit, otherwise people may become leery of healthcare in general.