Minnesotans, rejoice. Your days of stockpiling Steele Reserve and jug wine on Saturdays, then trying not to drink all of it on Saturday night because you’re going to need some left over for Sunday because the Steele Reserve and Jug Wine General Store will be closed are over.
The ban on buying alcohol on the Lord’s Day in the North Star State—in place since 1858—is no more. You can thank this man, Governor Mark Dayton, seen here either waving to a happy drunkard or saluting Hitler:
Let’s celebrate this civlizational advancement with six other intoxicating facts about our nation’s drug laws:
THE SPORES USED TO GROW PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS ARE LEGAL IN 47 STATES
Trip out on this: you can legally buy magic mushroom spores in every state of this blessed union except Georgia, Idaho, and California. The spores don’t contain psilocybin, the active hallucinogen in the mushroom they will eventually grow into. The spores are sold for “microscopic studies”—wink wink. If you have the know-how to get them from spore to shroom, well, don’t. It’s illegal in every state.
BEER ABOVE 3.2% ALCOHOL MUST BE SOLD AT ROOM TEMPERATURE IN OKLAHOMA
If you’re a craft brew enthusiast who buys your beer at BevMo, you might be used to buying IPAs and stouts at room temperature—they carry way more beer than they have fridge space. But in Oklahoma, it doesn’t matter if you’re an aficionado of small-batch hoppy brews or just want to get plowed on Steele Reserve and jug wine—ALL alcohol above 3.2% purchased from liquor stores must be sold at room temperature. This is inconvenient if you’re hoping to start getting drunk on Sierra Nevada right away. It does not, however, slow down winos. (It does, however, slow down white-winos.) To get around this law, beer at 3.1% strength is common in Oklahoma and may also partially explain the Midwest’s problem with crystal meth.
CURRENT TALLY OF LEGAL WEED STATES: EIGHT
Forget about the medical loophole; you don’t need to claim “anxiety” or “insomnia” or “feeling kinda cancery” to light up in California, Nevada, Massachusetts, Maine, Alaska, Colorado, Oregon or Washington. Meanwhile, you can get socked with a FELONY in Arizona for holding any amount.
YOU CAN’T BUY WINE AT GROCERY STORES IN NEW YORK
Of course, this won’t come as a shock to anyone living in New York, but many a West Coaster is stunned to find out you can’t just walk into a supermarket in Manhattan and buy a couple bottles of Pinot. It’s illegal for a store that sells food to sell wine, which is insane, because if wine is known for anything, it’s pairing well with food. To circumvent this prohibition, some stores sell “wine product,” a bizarrely clinical-sounding, literally watered-down version of wine further adulterated with grape juice and sugar.
YOU CAN BE LEGALLY, PUBLICLY DRUNK ANYWHERE IN MISSOURI EXCEPT A SCHOOL, CHURCH, OR COURTHOUSE
And they have no prohibition against open containers! Damn, it must be like Mardi Gras every single day in this sparsely-populated state of farmers and ranchers!
YOU CAN LEGALLY DRINK AND DRIVE IN ALASKA, CONNECTICUT, DELAWARE MISSOURI, MISSISSIPPI, RHODE ISLAND, TENNESSEE, AND VIRGINIA
These forward-thinking states acknowledge there’s a world of different between drinking and driving and driving drunk. Okay, maybe not a world of difference, it’s more like the difference between one beer and three, but still. If you’re under the legal limit (.08%) you can drive down Main Street sipping a Bloody Mary and blasting Eagles’ Greatest Hits and the only thing cops are going to give you is a thumbs-up. Meanwhile, Californians can get the death penalty for drinking and driving.