You Can Hire Someone To Glitter Bomb Your Enemies

We’ve all got enemies out there. You may be the nicest person who ever lived and could make Fred Rogers look like Mel Gibson with your kindness but even that person has someone that they’d like to toss in a cement mixer. Unfortunately, doing such a thing is probably a felony and a waste of perfectly good construction equipment but a new glitter bomb business may be able to help for just the right price. 

What would you pay to cover one of your enemies in an annoying cloud of glitter? 

A new business called Ship Your Enemies Glitter will do just what their name implies to the people in your life who are on your “To F*%* With” list. All you have to do is send them $8 along with the name and address of the person who you can’t stand and they will send them an envelope filled with a large clump of annoying, sticky glitter to anywhere in the world. You can even choose to tell them that it’s from you if you’ve got the balls to put your name on a glitter bomb or you can keep it completely anonymous and let your enemies live in a world of fear and messy glitter that they so richly deserve. 

It’s such a perfectly diabolical idea. Glitter is one of the most annoying substances on the planet. The only way this could be cooler is if there was a way to get our enemies to open the envelope directly into their mouth. Perhaps they could just write “delicious candy, eat immediately” on the envelope or something. 

If you want to enact your revenge in a way that will only stick to your enemies in a figurative sense, there are other options out there. 

1. Nefarious Jobs 

This San Francisco company seems to know a lot about the revenge game because they offer several packages suited to getting different types of revenge. Nefarious Jobs  doesn’t just go after people who you generally don’t like. They also go after douchebag bosses, scammers and exes who are making your life a living hell. They even offer a special package called “The Eviscerator” that promises to “make sure that a person is completely demolished.” We really hope that the picture of the chainsaw is purely figurative. 

2. Revenge for Hire 

Revenge for Hire  takes a more classic approach to getting even. They claim that they are willing to do whatever it takes to get back at that certain someone who you wish didn’t exist in your life that doesn’t involve breaking the law or becoming a felon. According to their website, they will “s*&% on your neighbor’s car,” “dumb garbage on an ex’s lawn” or even “put an ad in the paper letting everyone know that your boss is f*$%ing the secretary.” 

3. Alibis N Paybacks 

This revenge business from California will not only help you exact your revenge on the people who wronged you but they’ll also give the backup you need to weasel your way out of the situation. They can call up and cuss out the person who needs to be taken down a peg or two, post embarrassing flyers about their bad behavior all around the neighborhood and they’ll even provide an alibi if the person who wronged you starts asking questions. 

4. Masters of Revenge 

If you’d like your vengeance to be a little more creative, Masters of Revenge offers several options to help you become the vengeful douchebag you always hoped you could become. This site is the Sam’s Club of spiteful vengeance. They offer personalized video messages and phone calls to your enemies. They’ll send “non discreet” packages for home STD testing kits and “Backside Intruder Anal Probes” to their doorstep for everyone to see. They’ll even create fake business cards for escort services, put their phone number on them and start handing them out to the community. 

5. Poopsenders 

What’s better than mailing your worst enemies a package full of glitter? How about some s*&$ that didn’t come from a timeshare company or some mail order telemarketing company (although both of those are suitable methods but we’re pretty sure it’s mail fraud)? Poopsenders will ship a big smelly clump of animal poop to your enemies and you can even choose from several different types of animal dung including cow, elephant and gorilla. 

Follow Danny Gallagher on Twitter @thisisdannyg