7 Reasons Canada Should Be Ashamed of Itself

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Mar. 25, 2014

Canada.  The true North, strong and free.  Land of the polar bear.  Of poutine.  Of French Canadians.  While Canada has a lot to be proud of (John Candy) they also have more than their fair share of shame.  And since Canadians are known for their politeness, it’s time to get them to apologize for these shameful things.

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber has rubbed people the wrong way since he first appeared, and that’s to be expected.  People hated N*Sync at first too but now everyone loves Justin Timberlake.  The difference here is that, unlike Timberlake, Bieber has taken to non-stop douchebag behavior, some of which is illegal, and he’s not just unapologetic, he thinks it’s funny.  Anyone who saw his deposition footage knows he thinks he’s above the law and now acts like the full on belligerent little polyp we always suspected he was.

A string of foolish acts ranging from pissing in a mop bucket at a restaurant to assuming Anne Frank would be a Belieber to egging a neighbor’s house and endless accusations of drunk driving have made Bieber a public menace and a disgrace.  And he’s Canada’s most famous son.

Hailing from the small town of Stratford, Ontario, Bieber rose to prominence thanks to his Youtube videos and his non-threateningly effeminate good looks.  Of course teen girls loved him.  And they will continue to love him no matter what crimes he commits and that just enrages the rest of us even more.  He’s a cat that always lands on its feet, never accountable for his actions and never even considering being apologetic or decent in any way.  Little bugger.

Rob Ford

No one outside of Canada will ever be able to name any of Canada’s mayors except Toronto’s own Rob Ford.  And why?  Because Toronto’s mayor smokes crack and publicly talks about going down on his wife.  No other mayor in any other country is quite that insane.  And he’s still in office!

In fairness, Canada does seem to be quite ashamed of Rob Ford but, like a tick, he’s burrowed in deep and seems stuck in his job until the next election, so he’s free to be as absolutely insane as he wants to be, which he’s really taken to heart with his looney press conferences and bizarre media appearances.  He’s basically the political equivalent of Charlie Sheen after he left Two and a Half Men.

Celine Dion

Has any single Canadian entertainer, with the possible exception of Anne Murray, caused so much woe and discomfort as Celine Dion?  She’s like the skeleton of an aunt that never knew what to buy you for Christmas and always overstayed her welcome, complete with a jaundiced, grandpappy husband who just makes her slightly creepier.

Dion’s career has been going since the early 90’s but it was Titanic that really exploded her as that French lady who seems really full of herself that your grandma likes.  Ever since then she’s been haunting Vegas and seeming more and more smug about her own abilities as though she’s doing the rest of us a favor by warbling out her never-quite-as-successful-as-that-Titanic-song hits.

Maple Treats

Ask anyone to name the traditional foods of Canada and within 30 seconds the word maple is popping up.  Maple syrup, maple sugar, maple glazed donuts, it all tastes like a trip to the woods in the fall and it’ll all give you diabetes in about three servings.

You may still be thinking maple syrup is delicious and who am I to make mockery of its sugary wonder?  Well, for starters, I happen to know they named a disease after the stuff – Maple Syrup Urine Disease.  Do you really want maple syrup knowing it smells like the pee of people with a serious illness?  It can lead to brain damage and death.  Damn Canadians.

Beavers

The national animal of the US is the bald eagle.  Italy has the Italian Wolf and the Golden Eagle.  The UK has dragons, lions and unicorns, for God’s sake.  Canada?  Yeah, the beaver.  The only national animal on earth that’s a euphemism for vagina.  Go on, look up any other country, you won’t find another one.  Just Canada. 

Chosen because it was industrious or some such narrow-minded reason, no one in Canada realized until it was much too late that they had pretty much stuck themselves with the most shameful national animal on the planet, with the possible exception of Mauritius which chose the Dodo bird.

It may not have been their fault, but Canadians are constantly saddled with the knowledge that the rest of the world associates them with lady parts.

Bagged Milk

This makes sense to no one and is always baffling to people the first time they see it.  In Canada, milk is sold in bags.  You can get smaller cartons if you want, but mostly milk is sold in 4L bags.  All kinds of milk, from skim to 2% to the ever popular homo milk.  See, Canadian milk isn’t all homogenized, so you can just pop into a store and buy homo milk in a bag whenever you want.

How does bagged milk work?  You need to have a dispensing device handing that you pop the bag into and decant from.  It’s as exciting as it sounds, and just as confusing.

The Vancouver Grizzlies

C’mon.

 

-Ian Fortey is a Canadian and feels no shame, which you can see on his Twitter

63 comments
John-Erickson-413
John-Erickson-413 User

I don't even recall the last time i've seen bagged milk. We don't have this in our fridges. This guy smokes more crack than rob ford.

jenoir
jenoir User

I do feel terrible for the first three on the list.  NO ONE should have to experience them! 

- Although the beaver is a brave and noble animal, many Canadians are also trying to change our National animal to the Red Tailed Hawk.

- Bagged milk fits in the fridge better.  A 4 litre jug is gigantic and takes up too much room.

- Maple sugar is AMAZING and deep down you want some right now.

- I don't give a crap about the Grizzlies...

But yeah, the first three totally suck.

Netalius
Netalius User

Before the creation of the world god had a conversation with all the souls that would some day be humans on earth. He said in the future, he would make a nation of people that had universal health care, low on violent crime, non corrupted government and the people would be generally nice and life would be good there. All the souls started to ask why these people called Canadians were going to get it so good, to which god replied with a smile, wait until you see the neighbors they are getting..

Ontarioguy
Ontarioguy User

I defend our bagged milk and beavers. You are right about everything else.

Feelsbadforyou
Feelsbadforyou User

I think being smug in general should be added to the list.

thewiz93
thewiz93 User

If these are the worst thing that me being a canadian has to be ashamed of, the i will be ok with that.

Btw its 4 1L bags of milk.

The list for way canadians should be proud is too large for the break servers.

Adam-Newman-885
Adam-Newman-885 User

I opened this ready to go on the defensive. However after reviewing I agree and in true Canadian fashion wanna apologize bud.

KCjoker
KCjoker User

Wow, didn't know Canadians were so sensitive to jokes until the comments.  Lighten the F up already....the USA and Russia get way more crap on this site daily.

LostKeys
LostKeys User

Bieber is American now last I checked. Olympic bets are for life. 


Also, only Ontario (the most AMERICANISED province) has bagged milk. Lastly, the beaver was responsible for colonizing most of North America.. It was practically the diamond of currencies before fake paper money came into play. Plus... Why is it bad to have a national animal that is also slang for the best part of a woman? You can't ride an eagle, sir. 

doggin6
doggin6 UserTop Commenter

the little fruit beiber wasn't famous in canada.  you dumb americans did that.  he's your fault, and yours now. everything else on the list is dumb, and just showing break is a bunch of sad american losers who are jealous of their mature, big brother up north.

Skizzy-Freeman-49
Skizzy-Freeman-49 User

You know how you can tell Canada sucks compared to the U.S.  Their greatest Canadian Wayne Gretzky lives in the U.S. , and raises his kids here, rather then have them be Canadian.

Skizzy-Freeman-49
Skizzy-Freeman-49 User

You know how you can tell Canada really sucks. their greatest Canadian Wayne Gretzky , lives in the U.S. and raises his kids here. He left and didn't go back there to live.

Justin-Cast-698
Justin-Cast-698 User

Wow really, first of all That deposition video of Justin is hilarious. Most likely his lawyer told him to be a douche. Second, Mayor Rob Ford has saved US tax payers in Toronto Million dollars. Does great things for our community. Its the states and bad media that keep feeding him. Ian-Fortey or who ever made this article should be fired or thrown down a well

uBlow
uBlow UserTop Commenter

Bags of milk confuse you?  You must be American.  Oh, and Canada has more bald eagles than the US does.  Beavers can create all kinds of destruction, whereas bald eagles shit on your parade.  

Governator
Governator User

You're talking shit about our maple syrup when the US created Aunt Jamima...  Stick with your chemicals, I'll stick with my sugar.

diesel6969
diesel6969 User

Good luck compiling a list of shit the good U.S. of shit has done in the last 2 decades alone. What degenerate came up with this? 

mistersamsonite
mistersamsonite User

say what you want about Canada, but damnit you leave the beaver alone!

tommytsunami65
tommytsunami65 User

Give me a break, must just be easier to write than the 1, 247,345 reasons America should be ashamed of itself

Billy-The-Kid-911
Billy-The-Kid-911 User

Awww Canadiens are a litte douchey sensitive aren't they.... LMFAO!


WillyKillaKrakka
WillyKillaKrakka User

Lots of America haters here. Guess what, like you, we have NO control over our lying, conniving politicos and the crap they pull. And even Americans hate fat Americans. The overall IQ of the planet is plummeting FAST.... and we are all to blame.

ianrr
ianrr User

Not that I think Break is really concerned with the truth, but maple sap is harvested in the spring. Is Break a Canadian site?


LardisLardesci
LardisLardesci User

This is sad. I've never met a canadian I didn't like yet I've never met a u.s citizen I did like.

legacy27
legacy27 User

As a Canadian I'm sorry for Bieber.  But he lives in the US now so not our problem anymore.

LardisLardesci
LardisLardesci User

80% of this list can be put at the feet of the u.s.

johnsonjiggle
johnsonjiggle User

come on break, really? before poking fun of our brahs up north, do some homework. And before you want an apology for chris Farley...I mean rob ford, look at D.C. alone. Does the name Marion Barry ring a bell? 

Justin-Jauniaux-65
Justin-Jauniaux-65 User

how did this even get approved to be posted, are the admins of break really as retarded as the person that wrote this, sure justin bieber, but really who cares... someone needs to go to this guys house and punch him square in the face, what is at all shameful about one of the greatest singers of all time which is celine dion.  who had sold out vegas shows everynight for months at a time...

treyert
treyert User

The whole of US is pretty much an inexhaustible source of jokes, shame and idiocy in general. 

squall9126
squall9126 User

1. Justin was an unknown kid until an AMERICAN record company decided they could make money off his music. Insanity ensues.


2. Toronto is a different beast from the rest of Canada, strange stuff happens there. Rob Ford apparently did something good because he got elected, he just couldn't keep his problems hidden very well.


3. Celine was pretty big during the 80's and 90's, then "retired" to live in the states and has pretty much  escaped the public eye, i haven't heard her name since "The Love Guru".


4. Maple is only harmful if you're a glutton. Eat in moderation you guys.


5. we learned to create dams from the Beavers, so there. we can also use their pelts to make an awesome hat. Can you do that with the Bald Eagle? I think not.


6. I've never bought milk in a bag, I've never even seen bagged milked except when Americans talk about what happens in Canada. I buy my milk in jugs just like Americans do.


7. We just don't like professional basketball that much, got in the way of hockey. We still have the Toronto Raptors but if we can't skate or crash into people we don't consider it a particularly great sport.


frede555
frede555 User

Proud canadian here. Your only valid point is Bieber. That lil brat can diaf for all we care.

Mayor Ford just has been caught. Name me one mayor that has a totally clean past. Obviously his incompetence should have him removed, but if your private life has no effect on your public life, who really cares ?

Celine is indeed creepy, but she is also incredibly rooted and no one can deny she can sing.

Whats wrong with having our nationnal animal be associated to a lady part ? Dont you like the fussy ?

Wont comment on the rest of this idiocy.. all pretty much self explanatory

Dante40
Dante40 User

Why even spend time making this???

LostKeys
LostKeys User

@KCjoker  The difference is when America "gets crap" it's usually true and can be shrugged off cause 'Mericcaaaa.. Canada is actually a good place with a lot of great people and opportunity. Almost everything mentioned in this "article" refers to something that people have little to no control over.  I mean the person who wrote this article had so much trouble finding bad things about Canada that he referred to a CANADIAN BASKETBALL TEAM. Really? Yes.. We invented the sport, but as soon as we found out it is played on a floor rather than ice it was doomed. 

doggin6
doggin6 UserTop Commenter

@LostKeys  vancouver is the most americanised, by far.

LostKeys
LostKeys User

@Skizzy-Freeman-49  His kids ARE Canadian. You don't denounce your nationality simply by living in another country. They still cheer for Canada in the Olympics.

Spencer-Boles-608
Spencer-Boles-608 User

@Skizzy-Freeman-49



Gretzky lives down there, as do most wealthy Canadians, because of the lower cost of living.  The taxes are much higher in Canada due to a man named Tommy Douglas, who is in fact the greatest Canadian...  Look him up and get informed as to how a developed nation should treat their inhabitants.

The-Langolier
The-Langolier UserTop Commenter

@diesel6969 Just try the last 2 weeks. More than enough shit to go around for everyone.

MUniverse
MUniverse User

@tommytsunami65  true that , like hip hop , the pant on the ground , people og wal mart. ....... so many more.

doggin6
doggin6 UserTop Commenter

@RenoDRZ  your american,  anything you say is wrong. and your country will be wiped out soon.  

Fortey
Fortey moderator User

@squall9126 You buy milk in a bag.  We see through your lies.

Fortey
Fortey moderator User

@dante4072 To expose the truth.  Don't let Canada get away with these crimes.

The-Langolier
The-Langolier UserTop Commenter

@Fortey @johnsonjiggle Just look at your replies to the people in the comment section here. Why even bother to reply, if you're going act like some kind of 12 year old. This is one of the reasons people lack respect for your website. Do you realize that whatever you do and say on this site represent break.com as a whole?

doggin6
doggin6 UserTop Commenter

@Fortey @Justin-Jauniaux-65  this is the type of half retarded, american that works for break.  questionably a 8 year old video game troll.  

LostKeys
LostKeys User

@KCjoker @LostKeys @Skizzy-Freeman-49  Please tell me that was a joke? He lives in the USA because his wife is American, his daughter is a model for an American company, his son plays major league baseball and his other son is attending university in Arizona. I mean.. you're right. He is obviously there for the extreme healthcare costs, trans fats, handicapped economy and gun toting walmart lovers.