7 Reasons Canada Should Be Ashamed of Itself

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Mar. 25, 2014

Canada.  The true North, strong and free.  Land of the polar bear.  Of poutine.  Of French Canadians.  While Canada has a lot to be proud of (John Candy) they also have more than their fair share of shame.  And since Canadians are known for their politeness, it’s time to get them to apologize for these shameful things.

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber has rubbed people the wrong way since he first appeared, and that’s to be expected.  People hated N*Sync at first too but now everyone loves Justin Timberlake.  The difference here is that, unlike Timberlake, Bieber has taken to non-stop douchebag behavior, some of which is illegal, and he’s not just unapologetic, he thinks it’s funny.  Anyone who saw his deposition footage knows he thinks he’s above the law and now acts like the full on belligerent little polyp we always suspected he was.

A string of foolish acts ranging from pissing in a mop bucket at a restaurant to assuming Anne Frank would be a Belieber to egging a neighbor’s house and endless accusations of drunk driving have made Bieber a public menace and a disgrace.  And he’s Canada’s most famous son.

Hailing from the small town of Stratford, Ontario, Bieber rose to prominence thanks to his Youtube videos and his non-threateningly effeminate good looks.  Of course teen girls loved him.  And they will continue to love him no matter what crimes he commits and that just enrages the rest of us even more.  He’s a cat that always lands on its feet, never accountable for his actions and never even considering being apologetic or decent in any way.  Little bugger.

Rob Ford

No one outside of Canada will ever be able to name any of Canada’s mayors except Toronto’s own Rob Ford.  And why?  Because Toronto’s mayor smokes crack and publicly talks about going down on his wife.  No other mayor in any other country is quite that insane.  And he’s still in office!

In fairness, Canada does seem to be quite ashamed of Rob Ford but, like a tick, he’s burrowed in deep and seems stuck in his job until the next election, so he’s free to be as absolutely insane as he wants to be, which he’s really taken to heart with his looney press conferences and bizarre media appearances.  He’s basically the political equivalent of Charlie Sheen after he left Two and a Half Men.

Celine Dion

Has any single Canadian entertainer, with the possible exception of Anne Murray, caused so much woe and discomfort as Celine Dion?  She’s like the skeleton of an aunt that never knew what to buy you for Christmas and always overstayed her welcome, complete with a jaundiced, grandpappy husband who just makes her slightly creepier.

Dion’s career has been going since the early 90’s but it was Titanic that really exploded her as that French lady who seems really full of herself that your grandma likes.  Ever since then she’s been haunting Vegas and seeming more and more smug about her own abilities as though she’s doing the rest of us a favor by warbling out her never-quite-as-successful-as-that-Titanic-song hits.

Maple Treats

Ask anyone to name the traditional foods of Canada and within 30 seconds the word maple is popping up.  Maple syrup, maple sugar, maple glazed donuts, it all tastes like a trip to the woods in the fall and it’ll all give you diabetes in about three servings.

You may still be thinking maple syrup is delicious and who am I to make mockery of its sugary wonder?  Well, for starters, I happen to know they named a disease after the stuff – Maple Syrup Urine Disease.  Do you really want maple syrup knowing it smells like the pee of people with a serious illness?  It can lead to brain damage and death.  Damn Canadians.

Beavers

The national animal of the US is the bald eagle.  Italy has the Italian Wolf and the Golden Eagle.  The UK has dragons, lions and unicorns, for God’s sake.  Canada?  Yeah, the beaver.  The only national animal on earth that’s a euphemism for vagina.  Go on, look up any other country, you won’t find another one.  Just Canada. 

Chosen because it was industrious or some such narrow-minded reason, no one in Canada realized until it was much too late that they had pretty much stuck themselves with the most shameful national animal on the planet, with the possible exception of Mauritius which chose the Dodo bird.

It may not have been their fault, but Canadians are constantly saddled with the knowledge that the rest of the world associates them with lady parts.

Bagged Milk

This makes sense to no one and is always baffling to people the first time they see it.  In Canada, milk is sold in bags.  You can get smaller cartons if you want, but mostly milk is sold in 4L bags.  All kinds of milk, from skim to 2% to the ever popular homo milk.  See, Canadian milk isn’t all homogenized, so you can just pop into a store and buy homo milk in a bag whenever you want.

How does bagged milk work?  You need to have a dispensing device handing that you pop the bag into and decant from.  It’s as exciting as it sounds, and just as confusing.

The Vancouver Grizzlies

C’mon.

 

-Ian Fortey is a Canadian and feels no shame, which you can see on his Twitter