Human Tests Have Begun On This 17-Story Water Slide

Kansas may not be home to the best topless beaches in the world, but it does now host the world’s tallest waterside. So suck it, Brazil.

The Schlitterbahn Waterpark in Kansas City, KS, is now home to Verruckt, towering 2.38m over Brazil’s Kilimanjaro. However, it will not open to the general public until the park can resolve the issue of the slide trying to murder everyone in its path.

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Early tests for the slide using sandbags did not go well, and the bags actually fell off the slide. This prompted engineers to install a safety net, because had those sandbags been living, breathing fleshbags, the results would have been hilarious, but fatal.

This led to a postponement of the May 23rd opening. But today, the public is one step closer to safely falling off a tall thing now that two brave men have successfully tested the 17-story slide without feeding it’s thirst for blood.

Like any scientific genius desperate to create their vision, the Verrukt’s developers decided to test it on themselves first. Jeff Henry and John Schooley both shared a quiet night with family, trying to ignore thoughts of what-if, before suiting up and agreeing to be the first non-sandbags chucked off that thing.

As you can see from the test video, both Henry and Schooley survived. But the men are reported to have come back changed somehow. Jeff Henry now has no fear of death and has taken to burning the palm of his hand with a lighter. And John Schooley’s scared wife witnessed him having a one-sided conversation with television static in the early morning hours. The suspicion is he is pregnant with an alien fetus.

The test wasn’t a total victory, however, as there was one casualty – one of the testers lost a hat during the ride.

That hat was one day away from retirement.