She’s A Sex Toy-Stealing Mommy

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Jul. 22, 2014

It’s your parents’ job to embarrass you numerous times throughout your life.  From spitting on a Kleenex and using it to wipe your face as though her foul mouth were somehow more sanitary than that Fudgesicle you just ate, to buying you sailor suits for picture day at school, your mom will do whatever she can to single you out as someone who needs to be beat up by other kids.  With any luck you’ll learn to avoid this at a young age and live much of your childhood in relative bliss, but some few children don’t have the wherewithal to escape the madness of their mothers and will be oppressed by them for years to come.  And that’s probably going to happen to the child of Misty Ann Lee.

Pictured: A gross lady

Misty Ann, who you already know has some issues based on her budget Rent-a-Stripper name, was at a Spencer’s Gifts with her baby.  Now even if you hadn’t read the headline of this article, this fact would make you frown visibly because you’d already have a handful of decent guesses about what newsworthy feat a lady named Misty Ann could accomplish at a Spencer’s with her baby in tow.  But just to confirm it for you in all its tragic glory, Misty Ann probably did that thing where she casually looks up and down the aisle she’s in and then, confident no one is around, she slipped a vibrator into the stroller behind her baby.

Now the story goes on with Misty Ann being caught, but why don’t we all stay here at this moment and freeze time, to just be baffled and saddened to realize that a 38 year old woman and mother did this.  If you go to Spencers’ website you’ll see that their large selection of vibrators are almost exclusively wang-shaped as well, so let’s just assume Misty Ann grabbed a big ol’ pink, vibrating weiner and shoved it behind her own child.  She went to the mall and she thought to herself “man do I need to debauch my scurrilous loins but shizzle, I spent all my money on chewing tobacco and scratch tickets, what’s a girl to do?  Better just steal this battery-operated weiner and use my baby as cover for my crime, like some kind of living blanket of shame!”

And that’s what she did.

Ladies and gentlemen, Break.com does not discriminate against anyone who feels the need to make use of sex toys in their personal lives.  Heck, some people could even use them in public and we’d probably watch.  But please, don’t steal those sex toys and hide them behind babies, because that is how a society falls apart.  Economic instability, violent oppression of the proletariat, geological and environmental upheaval, these things are barely a whisper on the wind created by the shitstorm that is a world in which using babies as sex toy robbery patsies is allowable.  Please, for the good of us all, don’t do it.

5 comments
bigballer7
bigballer7 User

I'm suprised the government hasnt found it in their hearts (our wallets) to meet the needs of deprived women like this.

and pass out free vibrators to them 

i mean they give them free health care ,  cash cards for food ,  free cell phones, and ive seen that they will now be getting free weed in states that have voted to use marijuana as medicine...



grandiloquent
grandiloquent User

Goddamn it man... I'm a Doctor, not an English major.  What exactly did she do?

HyperCubeMD
HyperCubeMD User

The amazing part of the story is the part not mentioned. She left the story and nothing probably would have been done after that however she returned that afternoon and was arrested.

Mike-Emmons-39
Mike-Emmons-39 User

@bigballer7 wow you bitch a lot. maybe you should move someplace where the government has no compassion. or maybe you should get off your fat ass and do something besides spout tea party nonsense.