Woman’s Vagina Accidentally Grows ‘Teeth,’ Shreds Boyfriend’s Dick Into Ribbons

I am a huge fan of horror movies. Campy ones, funny ones, the ones where the actors clearly stopped trying in the middle of shooting because it’s obvious to everyone involved how shitty the final product is going to be…you name it, I’ve either watched it or will watch it. And because we’re on the topic of horror movies and about to move onto the topic of vaginas, I highly recommend you all watch this trailer:

Because that’s basically what happened to 50-year-old Theresa Bartram. No, Theresa’s vagina doesn’t have retractable teeth she uses to eat stray dicks that have mistakenly wandered down its cavernous pathway – but her puss totally shredded her boyfriend’s dick during sex. Sort of counts, right?

According to NY Post, Theresa went seven years without sex after giving birth to her only child, as she developed stress incontinence immediately afterwards. Wanting a better life where she wasn’t insecure about whether or not she’d shit the bed during sex (but not so pressed on it that waiting seven years didn’t seem like a bad idea? OK), Theresa had an operation to lift her prolapsed bladder with a plastic mesh sling.

Note: want to scar yourself for life? Google image search “vaginal prolapse” – the tl;dr: is that it’s possible for your vagina to fall out of your body. Isn’t this a fun note?

Moving on.

Theresa’s operation helped with her incontinence, and she was reportedly able to enjoy sex for a few years afterwards. But we wouldn’t be telling you this story if things down south didn’t go even further south; In 2009 shit REALLY hit the fan.

…er, I guess a better expression in this case would be “her vagina hit the fan.” That sounds awful though, so let’s go with “the pussy plopped into a blender.”

In 2009, Theresa’s pussy plopped into a blender.

“It was like it had grown teeth,” Theresa recalls. “His willy was bright red and spouting blood. There was a big red stain spreading between us on the sheets. After that, he was scared of my lady garden and approached it as if it was a Venus flytrap and he was a bluebottle fly.”

Theresa and her now-mutilated boyfriend eventually broke up six months later (gee whiz, couldn’t see that one coming) and Theresa began developing a variety of health problems: bloated stomach, stomach aches, diarrhea, vomiting…yet doctors said that her vagina mesh was working fine.

This, my friends, is why you always get a second opinion. Shred your boyfriend’s dick during sex? “Hmmmm well it certainly CAN’T be the plastic mesh we glued in there the other day, guess his dick just spontaneously fell apart in your puss!” If you hear hooves, think horses and not zebras – if your dick looks like it just escaped Mo’Nique at a hotdog eating competition, think “recently installed vagina mesh,” not “irritable bowel syndrome.”

Come 2015, doctors realized that Theresa’s mesh had breached her vagina wall and caused an abscess that turned septic. Surgery revealed that the mesh had turned hard and rock-like, and had also been installed too low in her body – explaining why Theresa’s poor boyfriend was an extra in a horror movie for a brief moment.

“It felt like razor-sharp teeth, hence why it had ripped a chunk from my boyfriend’s willy,” Theresa explains. “I was told this simple procedure would cure my incontinence and give me more confidence in the bedroom, but it has ruined my life. It made my vagina deadly and forced me into a life of celibacy. It could have killed me.”

“I’m pleased the mesh is gone, but it has left my body and my vagina a total mess. I wear padding all the time and sleep on incontinence sheets.”

What do you think – if you had the choice between not having sex for the rest of your life and being incontinent, versus having sex and not being incontinent BUT there’s a 50% risk of chewing up whatever dick or vagina your privates come into contact with, which would you pick?