Guess What This Woman Who Looks Like She’d Have Sex With A Dog Got Arrested For

As a stupid 24-year-old millennial speaking to the mature and intelligent men who largely make up the audience of this website: I am not the smartest creature on earth. I’m not even the second, nor the third smartest – shit, I might be the fourth, but with my luck chances are better than good that I’m somewhere in the 1,000+ range. A college degree doesn’t mean shit when you have dick for brains, and while I can’t say for sure whether or not Celina Ann Cabrera has any processing power upstairs, something tells me she’s worse off than I am.

So why did I mention myself at all in the first place? Well, because at least, AT LEAST, I am not stupid enough to fuck a dog. Not only are my standards when it comes to sexual partners higher than that, but come on – y’all love to shit on Break, but the Powers Who Be over here are smart enough to not hire Cujo’s wet dream on staff.

Brings new meaning to “throwing a dog a bone.”

According to KSLA, Celina Ann Cabrera, a Caddo Parish Animal Shelter employee, was arrested on Friday after police received a HOT TIP (hot tips are reserved solely for bestiality, necrophilia and that thing where you masturbate with dead body parts) that she had boned a dog. For the record, this is Celina:

Via Caddo Parish Sherriff’s Office

I don’t like ragging on people’s appearances, but if there ever was a woman who looked like she needed to turn to Scruffles for sex, well…let’s just say I wouldn’t hire Celina at Petsmart.

How the HOT TIP came to light is unmentioned, however 41-year-old Talioterro Thomas Jr. was also booked into Shreveport City Jail alongside Celina, though his charges are a little different – homeboy over here was charged with “principal to crimes against nature.” Aka, he allegedly filmed Celina boning the dog. Oh, and by “the dog” I mean “his dog.”

Via Caddo Parish Sherriff’s Office

Like I said, I’m not the SMARTEST person here, but if I had to guess what went down it would be that some poor, unsuspecting animal shelter worker opened Talioterro’s phone and came face to face with a video of Celina fucking Fluffy. Why was it open on his phone? Because (in this completely hypothetical, unverified situation that I have to mention is completely hypothetical and unverified so that we don’t get sued) dude likes to jerk it to shit like donkey shows on the weekends. What other explanation is there? Nothing else makes sense; why the fuck else would you allegedly film your coworker boinking your dog? We all gotta get our rocks off somehow, Talioterro just has freakier tastes than the rest of us.

“Yeah, now put a collar on her neck, a fur coat on her back and make sure she responds to ‘Buddy’.”

Talioterro and Celina are both currently out on bail. News reports decline to specify on whether or not Talioterro’s dog has been taken into protective custody, though if the world is a kind and just place (which it is not), he certainly has.