New Zealand Skies Are Full Of Literal Crap

Word has it man-made flying machines have existed since around the 5th Century BC in China in the form of kites.  Ones large enough to carry men existed and were used in the military and just for kicks, as well as for punishment, which we like to think means they flew people into volcanos, dragons and walls of spikes.  From these humble beginnings and man’s desire to constantly destroy the ego of birds, flight evolved into the majestic form we know and tolerate today; travel by plane, helicopter and dirigible. 

Is all well in the world of flight?  Are we frolicking amongst the clouds as our ancestors once dreamed, punching ducks and humping rainbows?  Yes.  But also no, for there is an insidious underbelly to modern flight, an underbelly caked in feces.  Feces that ended up on the lawn of New Zealander Karen Bass.

According to Bass, who lives in the flight path of New Zealand’s airport (do they have more than one?  She lives near one, anyway), her lawn was splattered with dookie.  To quote Bass “The first thing when I walked out of my door this morning and I saw it, I thought an airplane s*** on us. You open the door and it smells like s***.”  Those asterisks are being used in place of the rest of the letters in the word shit.  Her place was covered in shit.

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Destroy the mammals!

Officially, no flight authority ever admits to pooping on the public.  The reason for this is obvious, no one likes to be responsible for anything and if word gets out poop falls from planes, that’s a lot of lawsuits.  So where did the crap come from?  According to the civil aviation authority it’s from ducks.  Ducks take giant, human shits all over people’s lawns and you just have to deal with that.

Now everyone buys the duck story, however, and one resident who was crapped on recently went so far as to have the poop analyzed in a lab where it was determined to be 100% genuine human ass waste.  This news did nothing to convince the aviation authority that their migrating bird story was incorrect.  Perhaps, for instance, the ducks were just carrying coconuts by the husks and said coconuts were full of man shit.  It could happen and before you say no, it couldn’t happen, remember this – it did happen.

Some residents, like a man who said waste was dumped on his property at least three times, including once that he witnessed firsthand when it fell on him and his family, have tried to fight the CAA but have spent years doing so and eventually just given up their David and Goliath poop war as hopeless since they simply can’t afford to battle the giant agency who refuses to acknowledge where crap comes from no matter what evidence is presented.  As for the CAA, they have claimed no one has ever officially complained to them so they’ve never investigated it.  They likely followed this up with “look over there!” before stealing the reporter’s wallet, watch and wife.

Stateside, the FAA has acknowledged in the past that sometimes there are leaks in airplane turd buckets, but they also stand behind the claim that it usually dissipates before it hits the ground, turning into a fine sprinkle of blue shit powder that gently coats our rooftops like e.coli laced pixie dust in a magical, disgusting way.

Is there a moral to this story?  Yes.  Keep your head out of the clouds, they’re full of crap.