This Lady Proved Jesus Will not Pick Up Your Tab

Remember that scene in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd gets the idea to pay back Sea Bass and his crew for their harassment by telling the truck stop waitress that Sea bass agreed to pick up the bill for him and Harry?  It’s an amusing little scam and pretty much the only half intelligent thing the character does for literally the entire movie.  Now imagine that, only instead of pinning your bill on an actual guy in the restaurant, you just told the wait staff Jesus was covering your tab.  That just happened in South Carolina.  It didn’t go over well.

As any fool knows, the key to a scam like this is that the person you’re including in the scam has to be in the room.  Now whether or not you believe in the Son of God is a matter of your own personal faith and totally irrelevant since, believe in him or not, everyone agrees he wasn’t anywhere in Bennetts Calabash in Myrtle Beach.

Despite the Messiah’s absence, 51 year old April Lee Yates had been in the seafood restaurant for four hours by the time staff couldn’t tolerate her any longer, harassing other customers and generally being a nuisance.  She was asked to leave but refused to do so, so police were called.  She refused to pay her whopping $26 tab as well, and when an officer asked if she had any money at all she said no, before explaining that the plan was for Jesus to apparently come back and do her a solid.  The Second Coming is all about bar tabs.

Since Jesus refused to corroborate her story, she was booked on a fraud charge and taken to jail, where presumably she’s now waiting for Jesus to pay her bail.

You generally have to be a little wary of anyone who starts invoking Jesus for practical, every day reasons like paying bills or opening jars or whatever.  Not so long ago, Miami mayoral candidate claimed she was endorsed by Jesus in her bid for mayor, which is a hell of a back handed insult to every other candidate who runs by tacitly stating God has forsaken all of them.  And yet, in a twist worthy of M Night Shyamalan, that same candidate lost and lost hard, coming in dead last during the election.  Perhaps she was just being endorsed by some dude with a beard and got confused.

Convicted murderer Scott Panetti is also tight with the Lord and actually called him as a witness for his trial.  And maybe it worked.  Jesus was a no show, but Panetti got a reprieve on his scheduled execution on the grounds he might be too delusional because you can’t go around executing people who aren’t sane enough to appreciate that they’re about to die.  That’d just be weird.

The moral of the story is, whether or not he’s your personal savior, you probably shouldn’t count on Jesus to actually do favors for you.  He’s already done enough, man.