Like most young men, high school senior Jake Davidson finds Kate Upton attractive. So attractive that he couldn’t contain himself from asking her to go as his date to his senior prom. He created this video and tweeted it to her:
It’s clever enough to make you look past the obvious low production value (I say as I sip my tea, pinky finger high in the air, then nod and look at you through my monocle). It features his dog, some nice word play, and enough self-deprecation that it might just work.
OH WAIT IT DID.
[[contentId: 2426151| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 625px; height: 288px;]]
And that, my friends, is how this kid fucked himself over.
Going to prom with Kate Upton is a terrible idea for many reasons.
1. All The Other Girls At School Will Now Hate You – What? They’re not good enough for you? A girl has to be a supermodel to go out with you? What makes you so special? This stunt isn’t going to win you over with the girls who would have actually put out which brings us to…
[[contentId: 2426152| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 186px; height: 271px;]]
Best. Bride. Ever.
2. You’re Not Getting Laid – Your chances were low to begin with, but now that your date is Kate Upton, your chances are a scientifically accurate 0%. Kate Upton doesn’t put out for just anyone (She and I talked about her sexual conquests a lot the other morning while she ate the breakfast I cooked for her after my pickup line, ‘Hey, what kind of breakfast do you like? Because I’m going to make it for you after we bone all night long.” Completely worked). The closest you’re going to get to any action is pressing your face up against her chest. Which leads us to…
[[contentId: 2426153| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 300px; height: 500px;]]
This is from America. You’re welcome, world.
3. Blue Balls – You’re going to be in a TON of pain. If you can walk by the end of the night, then you might just be a fucking superhero because your nuts are going to be as blue as the bluest blue you’ve ever seen. When you get home, rubbing one out is going to feel like masturbating with sand paper. Enjoy!
[[contentId: 2426154| data-allowvote: false| style:width: 250px; height: 300px;]]
Enjoy prom night!
4. You’re Going To Discover Which Teachers Are Really Weird – You know that chemistry professor you thought was cool? Well, when he keeps trying to talk to your date about “cool chemical reactions” and “explosions,” you’re going to be real embarrassed.
5. You’ll Be Sad Forever – The next morning… Alone. Sad. Tears from the horrific self-session from hours ago still dried on your face. You’ll realize you’re just Jake Davidson, high school senior, that guy who took Kate Upton to prom. And you’ll cry some more.
This is a warning to everyone out there: don’t ask hot supermodels to prom. It only leads to a life of despair.
[[contentId: 2426155| data-allowvote: false]]
The entire night in GIF metaphor.