Why Burger King’s “Satisfries” Are Pointless

The newest trend in fast food offerings are “healthy options.” These are for the people who think, “Boy, I want fast food but can it be less deadly?” Burger King is jumping into the healthy circus with “Satisfries,” which is a real name and a terrible pun.

Satisfries won’t replace the current Burger King fries, but will be another option. A small order of these crinkle-cut healthy fries have 30% less fat  and 20% fewer calories than regular fries. Compared to McDonald’s fries, they have 40% less fat and 30% fewer calories.

What makes these fries healthier? A new batter recipe that is designed to block oil absorption. But that’s all Burger King is saying. They won’t give more details as to exactly what this batter is. Boy, my mouth is watering!

But the best part is Burger King is charging more for these “healthy fries.” The up-charge will be 20-30 cents per order. And why? Because they want to encourage you to eat something “healthy” with them while still screwing your wallet.

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You can’t spell “Big f**king ripoff” with BK!

The president of Burger King, Alex Macedo, compares these fries to diet soda, saying it’ll just take time to catch on. The problem is, diet soda doesn’t cost more than regular. Also, diet soda has zero everything (except Aspartame which is probably bad for you but everything is these days). It’s a terrible comparison to make because soda companies just wanted to people to drink their product. They didn’t take more of your money, they just gave you more ways to give them money.

And the other problem, with all these things, is it’s just dumb. Fast food isn’t healthy. Who says, “I’m going to go to Burger King… to eat healthy!” No one. Fast food is fast food because it’s bad for you. A small order of Satisfries has 190 calories, which is still a lot. Plus, it’s a small. Who eats a small order of fries and is full? This is America, dammit! Then, you eat healthy fries, you drink a diet soda, and you think, “I’ve really cut the calories today. Now I can have that ice cream,” or “I don’t need to workout!” It’s all a mental game.

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“I’m losing so much weight thanks to healthy fast food!”

Maybe, if we want healthier people, we need to work on healthier mindsets when it comes to eating and exercising. Maybe these problems are more mental than physical? Maybe we’re becoming too addicted to salts and fats and the discussion about the health care crisis is bigger than “healthy fries.” And maybe that’s just too difficult to try to fix so creating “healthy” fast food options is just easier.

Yeah… that’s easier.

Check out these other 10 weird fast food items that crashed and burned:

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– Mark (follow on Twitter)