Why Being a Human is Better Than Being an Animal

Everybody’s talking about this North America mini series on Discovery Channel, so I decided to marathon it last night. Holy shit, what a reminder how good we have it. You know when you’re having a terrible day and then on your way home from work you see a half-dead homeless guy sleeping on a pillow made out of Dunkin Donuts napkins and you realize how bad things could be? North America on Discovery is the most piss smelling homeless guy broken down into 7 parts, reminding us all how much better it is to walk on 2 feet.


Death is absolutely everywhere for animals. Birds eating fish, coyotes eating beavers, bears eating everything- the shit is everywhere. In human world, if a guy fends off an assailant, there’s barely ever another one right behind him equally as ambitious to kill you. No, it’s a one-time thing. Cops come and take down your information, you shake it off, and it’s your go-to bar story for the rest of your life. Animals, on the other hand, are in a life long battle with waves of attackers like the polygon level of Super Smash Brothers. And forget having kids. Nope. 5 out of 800 sea turtles survive longer than like 12 seconds after birth. Fuck those odds. The hardest thing in life is losing a child. The harder hardest thing in life is losing 795 of them.

The only benefit I can see to being an animal is the simplicity of the lifestyle. No dinner parties with your girlfriend’s work friends, no obligatory small talk around the office, none of that. Animals wake up with two things on their mind: sex and food. How great would life be if our daily routine was wake up, have sex, get Popeye’s, repeat a couple thousand times, die? Amazing. But that part even sucks a little bit for animals because girls of other species care about one thing and that’s strength. If you aren’t laying out other 1200 pound rams by hitting them with your face, you’re not getting laid. I for one would be fucked in the animal kingdom, as I’m most definitely not the type to lay somebody out. But I’m okay with that because here in the human world, I’m kinda funny, I’m lethal in the text game, and at the end of the day, I’m gonna mate. Animal world me is a mid-sized Yak watching the battle for the herd’s hottest girl from the sidelines and then jerking off at the end of the night.

Update: After discussing with several people, it seems like wanting to be an animal is more common than I thought. I guess the lack of responsibilities and the aforementioned lifestyle is pretty solid, but I’m sitting here in a heated house with Spotify on shuffle and Seinfeld on in the background. I just don’t know if I can give that up. I guess the question is would you rather be an animal living a life of pure necessity, void of societal pressures and obligations or remain a human and continue enjoying life’s amenities while trying to get through this rat race?

What do you think? Would being an animal better better than being a human?

– Jake Strasser (follow on twitter)