Why Adopting Your Girlfriend Is Wrong

John Goodman is a gross dickhole. Not the John Goodman we know from Roseanne. He’s cool. This John Goodman is a 49-year-old who tried to adopt his 42-year-old girlfriend in 2011.

During his divorce, a civil suit came about and he desperately wanted his girlfriend to have some of his money. And what better way to do that than to make her one of his children and guarantee her money under the trust fund he and his ex-wife set up for their two biological kids?

The adoption was approved in 2011, but yesterday, was rejected due to being “so contrary to the beneficent purposes of such an action.” Also probably because f**k this dude.

“Woody Allen is my hero, Judge.”

While a smart idea in a legal sense, there are many moral and ethical questions that arise. Mainly is it weird to bang your adopted daughter?

Yes, that is weird. I think we can all agree that’s weird. But, these two had been dating for a while before they decided to tie the daddy-daughter knot.

So… is it weird then? Yes, still, I think we can all agree it’s very weird. BUT… is it as unethical? That’s an interesting debate right there.

Under this agreement, she would receive about $16.75 million over the rest of her life ($5 million up front!) That’s a lot of money. Enough money that ethics might be forgotten because f**k ethics when you have $16.75 million dollars!

Oh yeah, Goodman is in jail for 16 years for driving drunk and crashing, killing his passenger.

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“She looks so young, like she could be his young girlfriend / daughter!”

After seconds and seconds of deliberation, I can come to conclusion that this guy is an one of the most unethical douches I’ve ever read about yet incredibly smart. He found a way to circumvent laws and morals to get his girlfriend rich AND continue banging a woman who looks good for her age. If anyone deserves to be given a delicious steak then beaten to almost death, it’s this guy.

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I can’t wait to adopt Kate Upton!

Mark (follow me @marksingletree)