The noble beaver. Small. Furry. Damp. And terrifying to those who are unfamiliar with its subtle intricacies and volatile temper. Terrifying because it kills. Terrifying because obviously we’re talking about real beavers. Get your mind out of the gutter, kids.
Turns out beavers aren’t just the hilariously unintimidating symbol of Canada and makers of dams we’ve all assumed they were – they’re on the rampage. A fisherman in Belarus, which our geography intern assures us is a real place, recently tried to take a picture of a beaver and the animal was so angry about the intrusion it lunged at him and bit his leg. No big deal? The bite was so severe it severed the artery and the man died from loss of blood. Remember, beavers chew through trees.
And it’s not just an isolated incident, you may have seen beaver rage in action in this video we posted earlier today;
That’s one angry beaver.
We might not have been moved to even mention this if it was just one group of surly aquatic mammals going H.A.M. on people, but it’s not. You like otters? How about this;
Maybe you think adorable seals will redeem the sea? Those playful little scamps at Sea World always playing games and looking like slick, fat dogs with flippers? THEY EAT SHARKS!
Things are no better on the other side of the world, either. Hippos hate you and everything you care for. When a hippo sees you in a Jeep; a big, metal, fast moving vehicle, it doesn’t care. It still wants you dead and will do this;
Steer clear of aquatic mammals, everyone. They hate you and will take you out any chance they get. No one is safe. No one.