What Mr Evans Really Needs To Do To Take The British Throne

Will the United Kingdom soon be ruled by King Allan I, from Colorado? Well, no. Even though Allan Evans paid for a large ad in the times arguing why he’s in fact the rightful King of England and Wales we can bet he’s not going to get to sit on the throne.

But why? Isn’t it enough to just write an ad in the paper to get to be made the head of the most famous monarchy in the entire world?

No, it isn’t. So in today’s article, I’m going to try to explain to Mr. Evans just what he’d need to do if he really wants to make a serious go at becoming King.


1. Stop Making “Lord of the Rings” References


Apparently, Allan I is a Tolkien fan. In his ad, he claims that he’s a direct descendant in an unbroken line from King Cunedda, who he says was king of Wales, but that back then Wales was known as Gondor. As in, the mythical kingdom from “Lord of the Rings”.

Now, Cunedda was (probably) a real king, from somewhere around the 5th century (so claiming you’re his heir is a bit like if you were claiming to be the direct heir of a Roman Emperor or something). But he was king of a place which is today in northwestern Wales, and it was never ever called “Gondor”. It was called Gwynedd.

Yes, I know the Queen still claims to be descended from King Arthur, but it’s not the same.  That’s a claim from the middle-ages that no one takes seriously. Claiming you’re descended from a Welsh mythological hero is bad enough; saying that Middle-Earth was also real just makes you look all crazy.

2. Improve his Fashion sense

You’re an American dude from a place called Wheat Ridge, Colorado. That’s already bad for your claim to be King of England. At the very least, try to wear a nice suit while you do it.


3. Back Up His Entire Genealogy

You can’t just say you’re descended from royalty. Lots of people do that, especially in America.  It’s one thing to say “my family descends from royalty” because your grandma once said it, and totally another thing to do serious hardcore genealogy.  If you’re real aristocrat, you need to prove it with an actual documented unquestionable record.  And pretty much NO ONE has a record going back as far as Mr. Evans claims. And since “King” Allan wasn’t even able to prove a claim he made 5 years ago about his family owning a bunch of land in Georgia a century ago. I’m pretty sure he’ll have a lot of trouble showing he’s legitimately the True King of Gondor.


4. Prove HIS Line of Descent is More Legitimate Than the Queen’s

There was a whole big thing called the War of the Roses a few centuries ago (I wrote an RPG book about it! ) which was all about this problem: it’s not enough to show you have a royal bloodline. Even if Mr. Evans did, he’d have to explain why his line is more legitimate than the current Royal Family! That’s also what the Anarchy and the Jacobite uprisings were all about. You need to show you’re at least royal enough to get some real power brokers to back you up.

5. Get Himself a Big-Ass Army and Some Local Political Backing

The last Welsh weirdo of dubious royalty and fantasy-obsession (he also said he was descended from Arthur, and used a Dragon as his standard) was Henry Tudor. In spite of no one thinking he was really the legitimate rightful heir to the crown of England, he won it anyways, and became Henry VII.  There’s hope for Allan Evans! But Henry needed a big army and some powerful friends to do it. King Allan would need to convince a whole bunch of people with guns and money, because never ever has a royal family been usurped without a big-ass army to back them up.

6. Be Willing to Kill A Whole Lot of People

No usurpation of the English throne has been really violence-free. Even the “Glorious Revolution”, which put William of Orange on the British throne “without spilling a drop of blood” in the original coup, still managed to kill a huge load of Irish and Scotsmen in subsequent battles to keep his throne. And you know one of the reasons for that?  “Dutchie” William didn’t kill off the Stuarts (maybe because he was married to one, his wife and co-ruler Mary, who was the old king James II’s daughter).

If Mr. Evans wanted to be King and keep his throne, the entire royal family would have to die: all the princesses, the cute baby princes, everyone.

Sorry to say, Mr. Evans, but I don’t think you’ll get to be King Allan I of England any time soon. You have a better chance of getting the throne of Minas Tirith.