5 Ridiculously Unappetizing Coffees

Coffee may not be the most popular beverage in the world, water may still have that distinction, but it’s up there.   At least one website claims Americans drink 400 million cups a day and 146 billion cups per year.  That’s a hell of a lot of coffee.  And ome people  are still in that curious Cathy-comic reality where they say things like “Coffee is my life!” or “I’d hook it up to my veins if I could” and it’s hilarious because it’s full of caffeine and it’s like the water of life to them and yadda yadda.  There are no jokes about coffee that are funny.  That said, there are a number of coffees out there that seem to be jokes themselves.  Coffee is beans, man. You can add this flavor or that flavor and they work well, but then it got out of hand one day.  Probably when Starbucks became a virus spreading across the nation.  And with it, coffee snobbery. Coffee stupidity.  Coffee WTFery. 

Here’s some coffee that makes no sense to me.  Figure it out if you can.

Kopi Luwak

The most infamous coffee in the world, it costs some stupid amount of money because it’s super rare and it’s super rare because it’s harvested from turds. Some kind of civet cat has to eat a coffee berry, digest it, poop it and then some poor coffee farmer goes and picks it out of the poop, roasts it and sells it to someone like you for hundreds of dollars a pound.  It’s literally preposterous in every way.

You can read lots of BS about how it changes the flavor of the coffee with enzymes and whatever else but the fact is it’s poop coffee.  The coffee post-poop can’t be so earth-shattering that it makes it necessary or even reasonable to bother harvesting poo berries to make it.  Come on.

Jalapeno Coconut

We all get flavored coffee, who doesn’t like chocolate and coffee together?  It tastes great.  And there’s even stuff  like pumpkin spice latte if you want to be a fancy boy, whatever floats your boat.  But if there’s a reason for jalapeno peppers and a coconut to ever be together, I am not aware of it. 

Here’s the thing, even if you went to school to become a chef and understand flavors and spicing and things that complement each other, never, ever, would you come across jalapeno and coconut.  With coffee mixed in.  Why would this be a thing?  Who enjoys these terrible things together?  This isn’t right.  This is like peanut butter and oranges and eggs.  What the hell is that?  Don’t put it in your mouth.

Corn/Soy/Barley Coffee

Apparently there’s a market out there for people who want coffee but not caffeine and for some reason can’t understand the idea of decaffeinated coffee.  So, as it happens, you can roast soybeans or barley or corn kind of the way you roast coffee, grind that crap up and brew it just the same. But do you really believe corn coffee tastes like anything other than burnt popcorn?

Spicy Taco Coffee

Without having  an ingredient list, we can only guess what’s in here but it sounds like they seriously just tossed in some taco spices, like cumin and maybe some chili and then bam, you got yourself an Old El Paso taco cup of Joe.  No one has ever wanted that before.  Coffee and tacos don’t really go together ever.  It’s just a bad idea.  This whole thing? Bad idea.

Dick Coffee