It’s been a cliché for ages now that most marriages end in divorce, the divorce rate is above 50%, there’s no such thing as a happy marriage and so on and so forth. Is that true? Turns out yes. Yes, marriage is an institution that, by and large, is based on nothing but a rickety foundation of what’s for dinner and horse erotica.
Ever had a samosa? They’re pretty delicious, deep-fried or baked little pastry treats often stuffed with Indian and Middle Eastern spices as well as a variety of fillings from vegetables to meats and cheeses to desserts. They’re pretty versatile. But not versatile enough for one Saudi Arabian man, whose wife made cheese samosas for dinner when he expressly asked for meat. So clearly that was cause for divorce and, according to the news, that’s just what happened.
Turns out, in Saudi Arabia, people get divorced by the dozens every single day for pretty much any and every insane reason you can think of. What a nutty place.
What’s worse than cheese in your samosa? We don’t know. But at least equally egregious is soda in your can (or pop, if you will). Still in Saudi Arabia, where marriage is less meaningful than your commitment to watching HBO on Sunday nights, another man divorced his wife after forbidding her from drinking, let’s say Fresca. The story doesn’t specify what brand of soda it was, but go with it.
So this man’s wife wanted a Fresca and her husband, part of a secret anti-Fresca coalition perhaps, forbade such a thing. There would be no Fresca in his home, by golly. Until one day he came home from work and found evidence most foul – an empty Fresca can! So naturally that’s a divorcing right there. Once Fresca’s been inside your wife, how can you ever be with her again?
For a change of scenery we move to Kuwait, where a woman this time filed for divorce (you go, girl!) after her husband offended her gentle sensibilities by not using a fork to eat peas. Fork off, really? Fork yeah! Turns out Mr. Peas is some kind of degenerate caveman who used bread to eat his peas.
At this point, we can speculate she meant he made a pinchy claw from the bread, holding it between thumb and forefinger to pick up his peas and eat them thusly or, even more brazen, he folded his bread and just loaded the peas into it like the world’s shittiest taco. Or maybe they had a full on load of bread and he just hollowed out a den and loaded it with peas, like an Olive Garden bread bowl only somehow even more lame, because it’s just full of peas.
In any event, she was clearly justified in divorcing him because everyone knows peas are gross and shouldn’t be eaten at all.
You would think that infidelity would be high on the list of reasons why people get divorced, it stands to reason that an affair is a solid marriage breaker. In some cases though, you really need to agree upon a precise definition of what counts as infidelity, or else things get a little ridiculous. Such is the case with the Saudi man (sorry Saudi Arabia, no one’s trying to do this to you on purpose) who saw a picture of his wife kissing a prized Arabian horse on the snout and determined that this was pretty much cheating, Imagine how he’d react if the cat had slept in the bed?
The man’s ex-wife has stated she is not sorry for what she did and speculates there may be an issue with her ex-husband’s judgment. Or we inferred that from her statements because probably if she’d said that out loud she would have somehow be pre-divorced from her next husband by virtue of saying that about a man.
Off to Nigeria this time where a wife wanted to divorce her husband on the grounds that he was unable to provide for her and their children and that the two no longer loved each other. Aww, that’s sad. Oh, and also, when he got drunk, he would poop in all the cooking pots.
Have you ever been so drunk that you came home and thought “crock pot? Crock of shit!” and then just sat down on the damn thing and laid waste to your cooking vessel? Probably not, and if so, hopefully you started a 12 step program the next day because that is extremely rock bottom right there. Pooping in the family cookware is probably reasonable grounds for divorce everywhere on earth and also, just in general, really poor manners.
Have you seen the movie Frozen yet? If the internet is to be believed, it’s the most wonderful animated movie since animation was born. To everyone else it was just OK, but there’s a big gap between those two camps, and it’s filled with some faulty girl power messages and stupid snowmen.
Thanks to the movie Frozen we’re ending things in Japan, where a wife tried to get her husband to appreciate the movie as much as she did. He said he didn’t much care for the film, which isn’t secret code for “I slept with your sister” or “I lost all our money in the casino,” it just meant he didn’t like Frozen. She responded by explaining there must be something fundamentally wrong with him as a human being and ending their six year marriage.
Seriously though, the movie’s not that good.