How to Celebrate a Virtual Valentine’s Day

Commercials for assure us that 105% of all new relationships start online these days, and that’s a lot.  Times have changed and no longer do people want to actually be near other people.  Friends are filthy albatrosses around our necks and interpersonal relationships can lead to paternity episodes of Maury.  In this crazy world, the only sane choice is an online relationship.  Tell yourself this if you’re alone and occasionally have dirty conversations with strangers in Yahoo chat rooms.  They still have chat rooms, right?

Traditionally, Valentine ’s Day is a day we feel guilted into roses, chocolates and a nice dinner while the awesomely edgy amongst us talk about how Valentine’s is a Hallmark holiday and just an excuse to sell cards and we don’t even celebrate it because we are so edgy.  Edge!  But if your relationship exists solely online, the dynamic has changed drastically.  So let’s just cut to the chase and cover the best ways for you to enjoy your virtual Valentine’s Day with your Danish girlfriend that none of your friends believe is real anyway.


eCards were originally invented by Lord Charles Nelson de Lazyass as a way to share cheerful sentiment with workers in his many international offices without putting in any effort whatsoever.  Since that time, sending an eCard has often been inexplicably viewed as even more insulting than no gift at all.  No gift could be chocked up to forgetting.  An eCard says you remembered, you just couldn’t even come close to taking the time to pencil in giving a damn.

If you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day with a long distance special someone online, or perhaps with someone you’re paying to speak to you, an eCard might make more sense than a real card, and not just because people online don’t want to give you their addresses.

Real Touch

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Real Touch is what happens when innovation meets a boner.  Imagine  Fleshlight possessed by the spirit of a fish out of water, that’s kind of what the Real Touch is.  But since you can’t stop progress there’s much more to it than all of that. 

Real Touch, in an effort to make life for our soldiers abroad more bearable, came up with an interactive system that allows one user to enjoy the Real Touch weiner holster while on the other side of the world someone uses a space aged dildo.  The manipulations of the dildo are reproduced by the Real Touch unit and society as a whole takes two big steps forward because we find a way to engage in real life cyber handjobs. 

You and your long distance/cyber sweetheart can now enjoy the safest sex of all, provided there are no shorts in the wiring.

Warcraft Wedding

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Nothing says love quite as succinctly as joining into a legally binding union that can fairly easily be undone at a later date.  You can enjoy this level of closeness with your online beau without ever having to get close enough to touch thanks to the thrill of virtual marriage, and what better place to exchange vows than on Azeroth in the World of Warcraft?

Indeed, Warcraft has seen its share of terribly nerdy, holy unions in the past and even has a wide range (or a range) of appropriate attire for your special day including tuxes and dresses to make your tauren warrior and his troll bride look their best.

Word has it whole guilds have arranged these events, complete with a priest to perform the ceremony, fireworks and music and the whole bit.  It’s quite lovely in the lamest way you can imagine.

Netflix Date

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Dinner and a movie has been the standard date since the Dark Ages, and back then finding a theatre that served decent popcorn not infected with the plague was murder.  These days you can enjoy that same level of awesomeness minus the actual closeness required thanks to our friends at Netflix (but never Qwikster.  Damn their hides!).  All you need to do is queue up the same movie on your computers and chat while you watch over Skype or some such.  Isn’t that clever and only a little depressing?  Like you could rationalize it into a fun, normal date in no time, right?  Right!

You and your special someone can be bored mercilessly by second string Oscar-nominees or you can just give in and watch Mac and Me – it’s so moving!  And full of McDonalds-loving aliens!   And the whole while you can interrupt what’s happening constantly by chatting to each other until you’re wanking to the same clip on Youporn.  Hot!

Sensual Tweeting

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Is there anything Twitter can’t do?  Yes.  Tons.  But what it can do is afford you 140 characters to say whatever you like to whomever you like.  One time Danny DeVito talked to me!  But on Valentine’s Day, you and your love can tweet each others’ twats all day with 140 character love poems.  Like this!

Baby, you make me want to drop my foursquare all up on your Facebook until I’m LinkedIn to your sweet Google.  Ebay Yahoo Pinterest.

Ooh, sexy!