WalMart Lubes Up The Gun Department And Other Slippery Tales

Because this could only happen at a Wal Mart, a customer in Alabama posted a short vide to his Facebook about his trip and subsequent search for some manner of lubricant for his gun.  You need to keep your gun greasy, kids.  Wal Mart knows this and stocked a whole bunch of premium Gun Oil.

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Yes indeed, gun oil is a fairly common sexual lubricant and if you read the label, as this man did, it’s very clear it’s not for lubing up your average 6 shooter.  It may be fine print, but it does say genitals right there on the label.  Does no one at Wal mart read?

Maybe 25 years ago you could have gotten away with this mistake, but lubricant is a pretty ubiquitous product these days.  They have commercials on TV for it, it’s not like it’s a dirty little secret.  Hell, this isn’t the first time it’s even been in the news lately.

At this year’s Apple WWDC the company sneakily removed a 50 gallon barrel of lube from a presentation, technically speaking.  Or at least the mention of one.  Turns out, after Brandon Moss hit his 100th homerun, right into the bullpen, his teammates held the ball hostage with a list of demands.  Most of the demands were for Apple products, hence the list being used at the WWDC by Apple’s CEO.  But one player happened to toss lube into the list which mysteriously vanished from Apple’s presentation.  For shame, Apple!

Where would someone have heard of a drum of lube in the first place?  Maybe they read it in a July article about Amazon Prime Day and how their best deal overall was for 55 gallons of lube at a paltry $1,000, a markdown of nearly 50%!

About a year ago there were headlines about Foria, a lubricant created in California containing coconut oil and medicinal grade cannabis oil.  The prescription based lube – and try to imagine anyone asking their doctor for this – basically gets your lady bits high (it’s only for women) and claims to produce orgasms that last up to 15 minutes.  Does pot have that effect on most women?  We thought it just made them hungry and lazy like the rest of us, but we’ve been taking it in the old fashioned way.

Alleged “writer” EL James, responsible for 50 Shades of Grey, was sued over lube this year when a 50 Shades brand of lube failed to deliver on its promise of improved orgasms and sexual gratification.  But realistically that should have been obvious from the get go if you’ve read any of the sex scenes from the 50 Shades book you know that James has no clue what sex is supposed to be like at all.

Finally, just to leave you feeling bad, we can’t forget Michael Lowe of Philadelphia, a once proud user of Kama Sutra Pleasure Balm Prolonging Gel right up until the day the lube destroyed his penis.

According to Lowe, the last time he used the lube he felt incredible pressure and pain along with tremendous swelling.  He sought medical care and this is the official word on the damage caused by the swelling – “permanent scarring and disfigurement of the penis, permanent loss of sensation in the penis, permanent loss of functioning of the penis, permanent nerve damage to the penis, permanent tissue damage to the penis, and the inability to ejaculate.” What the hell was in that lube?

So there you go, Wal Mart.  No excuses, everyone knows about lube and the news is more than happy to publish stories about it.  Get that Gun Oil back where it belongs.