Conspiracy Time: Monster Energy is Made by Satan

Every time you bust into a can of Monster, you’re feeding your soul to Satan.  At least, that’s what one dimwitted woman in a viral Youtube video claims.  We only use the term “dimwitted” because, all things being equal, what she says is dumb, unfounded and a waste of time and energy.  Energy that could be replaced by drinking some delicious Monster Energy Drinks!

The video starts with her showing how the M logo for monster is actually Hebrew for 666!  Oh my god, that’s horr- wait… no, it’s Hebrew for 6 6 6.  There’s a subtle difference there.  The number of the beast, if you’re into believing such things, is six hundred, sixty-six.  The M logo is the number 6 three times in Hebrew (arguably), but six hundred, sixty-six in Hebrew looks more like this;

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You’ll notice that symbol is what scholars refer to as “not the Monster logo.”  Also, the number 6 in Hebrew isn’t even drawn the same way as the slashes in the logo.  They’re similar, but in the way the number 6 and a sloppily handwritten letter b are similar.  But hey, she has more points!

The biggest can of Monster you can get has BFC written right on it and that F stands for the F word.  Bam!  You know who uses the F word.  Satan!  The box even has the word “milf” on it and that’s nothing but Satan talk, too.  Remember the kid who played Stifler in American Pie?  Witnesses saw him die in a fire and then walk around Hollywood the next day as though nothing happened.  Why?  Satan (we made up that last part)!

The “o” in Monster also has a line through it making it look like a cross (also a T, a sword, a cross pommee or a celtic cross in some variants) and that clearly means witchcraft because, if you turn the can completely upside down because you drink like a cartoon character, you invert the cross and an inverted cross means Satan!  Or, if you know anything about religion, is a symbol of humility because the inverted cross is the cross Peter chose to be crucified on as he felt unworthy to be crucified on an upright cross the way Jesus had.  The inverted cross only symbolizes Satanisn to idiots who can’t do research.  So those ideas don’t work.  What else you got, lady?

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Oh God, the Pope has a heavy metal Satan chair!

About all she has to go on now is the Monster motto “Unleash the beast.”  That’s sort of vaguely something, but say if you disproved any kind of satanic reference and all you had was the mundane, face value Monster and that motto, then “unleash the beast” would seem like it’s telling you, maybe osme impressionable x-games type kid, that if you drink energy you can rock out hard like your favorite athletes and bands and whatnot that you saw at some Monster-sponsored summer event.  You know, since the drink is called Monster, and it’s referencing that imagery by saying “unleash the beast” and not the Devil or anything.  But what do we know?

We know Monster isn’t Satanic.  Because it’s an energy drink.  Here’s the things, kids – the Devil, if you believe in him, doesn’t need caffeine to trick you.  The Devil doesn’t need to do anything.  Lucifer was God’s most perfect angel, and he’s not dumb.  He corrupted the very first people God made.  And they were cast out.  And now everyone has the choice to be sinful and so the Devil just has to read Popular Mechanics in the bathroom while the sinful roll into his domain.  Like he’s going to start an Energy Drink company.  Why bother?  Unless Monster makes you murder people, it’s not helping him corrupt anyone anyway.  He doesn’t need it.  And that’s just if you believe in that sort of thing.  Either way, have a drink.  Unleash the beast.  Listen to rock and/or roll.  Enjoy.