6 Ridiculous Research Studies

For some reason, the laymen out there are convinced science is scientific. That’s not always the case, but you could see why the mistake is made. The thing you need to remember is that every scientist was once a university student and you can take the physicist out of the frat, but you can’t always take the frat out of the physicist. And for that reason, you end up with brilliant glimpses into the lesser appreciated aspects of science, like these things;

Big Boobed Hitchhikers Get Picked Up More

If you ever doubted the place of science in the world (and presumably you live near Ted Cruz if you did), behold the wonder of research.  Science, giver of warmth, destroyer of ignorance, has shown that your chances of being picked up while hitchhiking will significantly improve if you have big boobies.  Probably this is biology and physics and nuclear kickassery all in one.


Using high tech methods (stuffing a chick’s bra) research showed that a woman with an A cup has about a 15% chance of being picked up.  A B cup’s chances go up to 17% and a C cup will take you all the way to 24%.  The data ends there because the study is European and apparently D cups don’t exist there. If they did, it’s possible the woman would be given a free car and some croissants.


Of course this only applies to male drivers, as female drivers couldn’t give a Fig how much sweater meat you’re packing, scientifically speaking.  No word yet on the likelihood of being picked up if you’re a dude showing a few inches of neck.


How Do Soap Operas Portray Coma Patients?

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This study is amazing.  Someone wanted to know how soap operas portray and potentially misrepresent comas and coma patients.  And thank God. Can you imagine living in a world where science didn’t delve into this?  Where for all we know, soap operas are portraying comas as wicked albeit sleepy orgies full of T-bone steaks, imported beer and sweet, sweet heiny.  Christ, what were the results?!?


According to this exhaustive research, soap operas take an overly optimistic view of coma and coma recovery.  F******************************ck! Damn you, soap operas! Damn your infernal optimism!


In real life, when and if people recover from comas they tend to often have cognitive delays and difficulties. In soap operas, they reveal who fathered Bridget’s baby and then proceed to hump Julia, who we all know is engaged to Brock, who is doing missionary work in the Congo. Intrigue!


Healthy People Will Destroy Us

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The Dutch have ruined our lives again by pointing out that, while you may die young if you’re a fatty fat smoker, if you’re one of those selfish assholes who’s all about being healthy, your long ass life is going to cost the government more in the long run just because you refuse to die.  Man, up yours.


Apparently when you die from fatness, you’re going to cost your tax paying friends about $371k, which is pretty steep.  Smokers cost a little more but Jesus, if you’re healthy, your long, drawn out life is going to cost the world at large $417k.  That’s more awful than Gargamel and man, Gargamel was awful.


Fat Kids Get Bullied

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Speaking of fatties and their toll on society, researchers in Michigan built a supercomputer called “Durr” and input a bunch of magazine clippings and pictures of Einstein into it until it churned out this chestnut of wisdom – fat kids are at a greater risk of being bullied than average sized kids.  Zoinks!


Likely this news came as a shock to anyone raised by wolves, or new visitors to our world who don’t understand our crazy ways and mostly just want to probe us anally, bullying be damned.  For everyone else, this was about as stunning as learning toilet water leaves a funny aftertaste and going to a Julia Roberts movie is going to end in soul crushing ennui.


We can’t back this with much science of our own, but we like to think there was a time long, long ago, when monkey men were first fashioning tools from sticks and bones, and one fat ass monkey dude with a glandular condition tried to make a hammer and the other monkey men pointed at his tits before they bashed his skull in.


Twitter is Pointless

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Holy crap, Justin Bieber is going to have kittens.  Turns out nearly half of everything on Twitter is more useless than the other half of everything on Twitter.  To be more specific, it’s been determined that 40.5% of all tweets are “pointless babble.”  Sa it ain’t so!


According to the same research, just under 6% of tweets are for self promotion, with Kim Kardashian’s Twitter feed taking up a sizeable chunk of that.  The biggest chunk, aside from the bullshit, was “conversation” at 37.5%.  So people spend less time actually conversing with Twitter than they do making the equivalent of 140 character long cyber farts.  Fantastic.



Stripper Earnings Affected by Periods

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It’s possible the rest of the research team back at the university had a high five party for the guy who managed to get funding for this endeavor, and then presented him with the Golden BS award.  In a nutshell, this study set out to determine how a stripper’s menstrual cycle affected her earnings.  Haven’t you always wondered that?  Haven’t you?


Because we’re all about education, we’ll let you know how things turned out.  Apparently, when a woman is ovulating, she gets bigger tips.  If a woman is actually menstruating, she makes about $185, most of which she must spend on wipes to clean the pole.  God damn, we’re sorry we made that joke.  After ovulation she’ll make about $260 a shift.  But while she’s all fertile and ready to go, she’ll make $335 on average.  What does that mean?  Honestly, absolutely nothing at all to you or me.  Or even strippers, unless they’re  using their uterus as a scheduling tool and want to maximize work profit before going on vacation.