The US Patent and Trademark Office recently received a review request from a Norwegian company that wanted to sell Americans something called “Comfyballs.” It’s just what it sounds like. It’s a pair of boxers that leaves a little pouch in a strategic area for, well, if you haven’t figured it out by now, please sit down with your parents and have them give you the speech about the birds and the bees that you should have had in your teen years.
Do you have a well-endowed relative that you haven’t bought a Christmas present for yet? Get ready to feel really mad at the US Patent Office.
The US Patent Office determined that Comfyballs wasn’t suitable for sale in our nation’s stores because “The mark does not create a double entendre or other idiomatic expression…When used in this way, the word ‘balls’ has an offensive meaning.” We didn’t know it was the Patent Office’s job to determine what it finds offensive for the rest of us. Frankly, we’re offended that they think we would be offended by the word “balls.” We don’t recall the FCC getting their ball constricting panties in a bunch when Axe showed you how you could use their product to “wash your balls.”
If you think that’s insane, just look at some of the things they actually gave patents to over the years.
1. Manually Self-Operating Butt Kicking Machine
Any machine that produces a face like that should not be approved for a patent, especially if it involves people’s butts.
2. Wind Harnessing Bike
It’s perfect for the cyclist who doesn’t like all that painful peddling, which is pretty much everyone who’s not a cyclist.
3. Soup Bowl Attraction
According to the patent description, it’s meant to be an attraction for the world’s most depressing carnival or amusement park.
4. Hand Gestures to Signify What’s Important
Google actually owns the patent on “hand signals,” which means they technically own your hands. Sleep tight.
5. Pet Display Clothing
We’re convinced that the reason this was invented was because cat people needed someone to feel sorry for in their miserable lives.
6. Musical Instrument Adapted to Emit a Controlled Flame
This is perfect for the aspiring musician/killing machine on your Christmas list.
7. Combined Plow and Gun
This must have been a real time saver for farmers. Not only could you plow the fields for planting but you can threaten the crops with physical violence to make them grow faster with the same device!
8. Method of Preserving the Dead
Grave robbing your loved ones seems more sane than this.
9. Fetal Speaker System
Thanks to this invention, you no longer have to wait until your kids are born to subject them to the ear inducing horror of Nickelback.
10. Life Expectancy Watch
I’ll bet Fossil never made a timepiece that reminds you that life is just one long stretch to the grave. Well, at least not intentionally.
Follow Danny Gallagher on Twitter @thisisdannyg