Meet Jemmaroid Von Laalaa. That’s one crazy ass name, right? Well, it’s fully legal too and it’s all Mark Zuckerberg’s fault. As you may be aware, Facebook hates fake names. It wants you to be you because it’s power hungry like that and can more easily assemble a massive folder of data on your life and every aspect of it if you use your real name and not some cool nickname like Darth Vaper or Mad Maxi Pad.
In Facebook’s effort to control you, they will shut your fake name using ass down if they think that’s what you’re doing. So if you can’t prove your name is Ludwig Fancypants McBoob, you may lose all those photos of you passed out at your cousin’s BBQ forever. That’s the problem that was facing Jemmaroid, who was once known as Jemma Rogers. She’d signed up for Facebook using a fake name to prevent people she didn’t want as friends trying to actually be her friend, a concept which Facebook abhors. They want everyone to be linked together, makes it easier to collate data that way if they know who you grew up with and where and when and what they all like to watch on TV.
Facebook, sensing Jemmaroid Von Laalaa was not her birth name, suspended her account until she could prove otherwise, which sounds just as smug as anything, doesn’t it? It’s obviously a fake name, don’t be coy, Facebook. Also, if the same person with the same IP address is logging in all the time and they’re the person in their photos, you can be pretty confident this is the person who owns the account. No one going by Jemmaroid von Laalaa is going to commit some kind of massive Facebook-based fraud on the world through her account and we all know it. But whatever, them’s the rules.
Jemma’s first attempt to regain access to her account involved Photoshopping her actual ID but Facebook’s keen detective team saw through that BS and refused access. So Jemma did the next logical thing – she had her name legally changed to Jemmaroid, Von Laalaa, got herself new ID that said as much and shipped that off to Facebook, who still refused to release her account because Facebook doesn’t like it when you try to unscrew their screw jobs.
For five weeks now Jemmaroid has been locked out of her account and all she gets from Facebook are automated replies that say they’re looking into the problem. Now that it’s a media story odds are it’ll get fixed up right away because that’s how the world works – you sit on your ass and do nothing until everyone finds out about it, then you act like you care. This applies to corporations, politicians and individuals.
Jemmaroid, of course, is concerned that she’s lost all those valuable pictures that get posted on Facebook that apparently no one bothers to save anywhere else. She also posited that Facebook has “too much power” because what if, for instance, a victim of abuse wanted an account but wanted to use a fake name so their abuser couldn’t find them? This, of course, makes one wonder why Jemmaroid has convinced herself she, or anyone, actually needs a Facebook account. Facebook does not have too much power, they have the exact amount of power anyone running a website they own that allows people like you and me to use has. They don’t owe their users anything, they’re running a business. It’s not a public service, it’s not the media, or law enforcement, or anything set up to make your life better or easier or anything like that, and you have no control over it nor any reason to expect control. Jemmaroid’s Facebook page isn’t hers, it’s Zuckerberg’s and he lets her post crap on it. But whatever, change your name. Have fun with that.