Bono And The No-Good, Horrible, Very Bad Week

(By Justin Crockett)

You try and do something nice and release a free album to people…And then this happens:



No, we aren’t talking about the planet-searing possibilities of a Federer-Murray tennis showdown. We mean the fact that Bono’s fancy private Learjet apparently shit out a whole door while in mid-flight. It’s not immediately apparent if it was an operator malfunction, or if the door itself resented the plane or the U2 frontman himself. There are clearly a lot of questions that need to be addressed and we covered it pretty well when it happened.  But Bono’s tale doesn’t end there.

Rough day, sure. But the cosmos wasn’t yet finished with Mr. Paul Hewson. Plans to spend a week on the Tonight Show were thwarted when Bono injured his good “pretentious concert preening” arm. During what was designed to be a leisurely bicycle jaunt through Central Park ended in bloodshed and chaos and a city burned to the ground.


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We don’t want your free album OK??


Well, not really. Bono suffered a pretty mangled arm injury, though. Bad enough he would require surgery, thus missing out on a week’s worth of late-night performances and Jimmy Fallon smirks. Not entirely sure how an arm malady directly affects one’s singing, but perhaps Bono does not want to be seen as weak, because then Bono would be less Bono. Bono.


We can only thank the great heavens above that he had already completed his vocal parts for the upcoming remake of “Do They Know It’s Christmas”, which is another all-star music production and not at all condescending like the original.


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Bono is seen in the bottom right, just before the events of “BicycleGate”.


This is only the first few instances in what surely will be a soon-to-be discussed Bono Curse. Two incidents within five days of each other, especially with an Irishman involved, is a classic portent of doom. We believe it’s only a short matter of time before the doors blow completely off(like his plane!) and we bear witness to the Bonocalypse. Tales will abound of giant lemons falling from the rafters at U2 shows, narrowly missing horrified concertgoers. Women and men alike will shriek as the United Nations crumbles to the ground after Bono crosses the threshold of the Great Seal in the front lobby. The Edge will burst into flames mid-song as Bono goes into one of his trademark drawn-out rants, incanting the perfect string of word bullshit that is required to ignite one entire guitarist.


And as the final omen, loyal Apple customers will cry to the heavens upon accessing their music libraries and observing that a major rock band has given them a free album. For FREE. That is, NO MONEY REQUIRED.