Summer is upon us and the beach is calling. With the weather getting hotter due to what is surely not climate change but probably just due to natural occurrences like maybe the sun is burning better charcoal or, as a people, we stopped running the AC with the windows open, the beach is looking more inviting than ever. But know that when you go you will not be alone. These people will be waiting for you.
The Greek God
This man’s existence shames you. Sculpted from the stuff that makes women want to push you out of the way so they can climb him like an old elm tree, he’s on the beach playing volleyball or Frisbee or really just standing there with a perfect smile and like a 15 pack of abs. He seems casual but his entire purpose is to pick up chicks and he can do it simply by being in their line of sight. This man is so good looking you may actually find yourself staring at him even if you’re not gay, and then you’ll quickly comment to anyone who catches you that they are, in fact, the gay ones. But we know the truth.
The polar opposite of the Greek God, this person has opted to not show off a 6 pack but rather a one slab of doughy goodness that is so vast there may be other things stored in it. The remote control, a small bbq, children? Anything could be lost in the folds.
The Blob likes the beach because of the buoyancy provided by salt water and because he figures he could use a little sun and exercise. And that’s good, exercise is definitely needed, just don’t leave your snacks too close.
The Greek God’s female counterpart, this is the kind of girl who has no business existing in real life. You don’t see girls like this where you work, or at the clubs you go to, or anywhere really, except the beach and in porn you have to pay for. They are gorgeous and perfect and wearing bikinis so small you could roll them up and hide them in a cell phone case.
The downside to these girls is, of course, that they seem almost physically incapable of seeing you. They’re so hot their sunglass-ensconced eyes have adjusted to only see beauty on a higher frequency and when they pass over you it’s like catching a blur of movement and nothing more. Don’t try to speak to them, it will only upset you.
The Trailer Park Girls
If the Untouchables are the Generals of a hot girl army, then these girls are the newly enlisted, fresh off the bus and struggling to figure out how to put their uniforms on properly. Often travelling in packs and sometimes with an Untouchable as their leader, these girls are the rest of N’Sync to the hot girls’ Justin Timberlake. Hairy limbs, bathing suits forged in the 1950s, potential mustaches and bodies like Jack Nicholson after a cheese bender, these girls are like beach land mines. You must wear sunglasses to protect yourself from not just full on visual contact but from dreaded eye contact confirmation. If no one knows you looked at them, it’s hard to engage in conversation and God help you if a furry scuzz-girl on the beach catches your eye and tries to charm you.
The Children of the Corn
Unorganized and unsupervised, there always seem to be more children at the beach than there could possibly be parents. As though the sea itself births them, these kids can only run and scream. There is no acceptable tone of voice available, only screaming, often just wordless screaming for literally no discernible reason whatsoever. They touch the water and scream, they leave the water and scream, they throw shitty plastic toys at everyone and everything with a pulse and scream. Only rarely will anyone ever claim ownership over one of these mongrels and it’s often only long enough to scream back at them.
Never plant yourself too near a pod of these kids as they will, at some point, leave the ocean and walk over your stuff because kids don’t care about anyone or anything anymore, and neither do their parents. Any parent irresponsible enough to bring their scream weasel to a public beach is also inconsiderate enough to not give a shit if their little pumpkin steps on your iPhone. Remember, kids in America are ranked almost dead last in test scores compared to other countries, but first in confidence that they beat everyone else. They’re arrogant little dumbasses and they don’t care about you.
You probably remember family trips to the beach as a kid being kind of fun experiences, and maybe your dad getting frustrated about getting ready to go. For some reason, your frustrated dad multiplied and now is always at the beach with his new family. He’s the guy who hates his wife and kids and probably hates you too. He hates the beach and the sand, he hates the traffic on the highway and he hates where he had to park. His wife hates him for making this so difficult and hates the kids for not settling down and hates you for staring at her every time she screeches at the kids.
This family will set up camp near you no matter where you are on the beach. Try not to look directly at them because they will notice and they will try to make contact.
The Lonely Boners
Always be suspicious of a man by himself at the beach, he’s probably there for nothing good and you certainly don’t want to touch him. These guys probably have cell phones with them and they’re not fooling anyone by pretending to text when they’re obviously filming camel toe and cleavage.