7 People You’re Going to Run Into at the Beach This Summer

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Apr. 25, 2014

Summer is upon us and the beach is calling.  With the weather getting hotter due to what is surely not climate change but probably just due to natural occurrences like maybe the sun is burning better charcoal or, as a people, we stopped running the AC with the windows open, the beach is looking more inviting than ever.  But know that when you go you will not be alone.  These people will be waiting for you.

The Greek God



This man’s existence shames you.  Sculpted from the stuff that makes women want to push you out of the way so they can climb him like an old elm tree, he’s on the beach playing volleyball or Frisbee or really just standing there with a perfect smile and like a 15 pack of abs.  He seems casual but his entire purpose is to pick up chicks and he can do it simply by being in their line of sight.  This man is so good looking you may actually find yourself staring at him even if you’re not gay, and then you’ll quickly comment to anyone who catches you that they are, in fact, the gay ones.  But we know the truth.

The Blob



The polar opposite of the Greek God, this person has opted to not show off a 6 pack but rather a one slab of doughy goodness that is so vast there may be other things stored in it.  The remote control, a small bbq, children?  Anything could be lost in the folds.

The Blob likes the beach because of the buoyancy provided by salt water and because he figures he could use a little sun and exercise.  And that’s good, exercise is definitely needed, just don’t leave your snacks too close.

The Untouchables



The Greek God’s female counterpart, this is the kind of girl who has no business existing in real life.  You don’t see girls like this where you work, or at the clubs you go to, or anywhere really, except the beach and in porn you have to pay for. They are gorgeous and perfect and wearing bikinis so small you could roll them up and hide them in a cell phone case.

The downside to these girls is, of course, that they seem almost physically incapable of seeing you.  They’re so hot their sunglass-ensconced eyes have adjusted to only see beauty on a higher frequency and when they pass over you it’s like catching a blur of movement and nothing more.  Don’t try to speak to them, it will only upset you.

The Trailer Park Girls



If the Untouchables are the Generals of a hot girl army, then these girls are the newly enlisted, fresh off the bus and struggling to figure out how to put their uniforms on properly.  Often travelling in packs and sometimes with an Untouchable as their leader, these girls are the rest of N’Sync to the hot girls’ Justin Timberlake.  Hairy limbs, bathing suits forged in the 1950s, potential mustaches and bodies like Jack Nicholson after a cheese bender, these girls are like beach land mines.  You must wear sunglasses to protect yourself from not just full on visual contact but from dreaded eye contact confirmation.  If no one knows you looked at them, it’s hard to engage in conversation and God help you if a furry scuzz-girl on the beach catches your eye and tries to charm you.

The Children of the Corn



Unorganized and unsupervised, there always seem to be more children at the beach than there could possibly be parents.  As though the sea itself births them, these kids can only run and scream.  There is no acceptable tone of voice available, only screaming, often just wordless screaming for literally no discernible reason whatsoever.  They touch the water and scream, they leave the water and scream, they throw shitty plastic toys at everyone and everything with a pulse and scream.  Only rarely will anyone ever claim ownership over one of these mongrels and it’s often only long enough to scream back at them.

Never plant yourself too near a pod of these kids as they will, at some point, leave the ocean and walk over your stuff because kids don’t care about anyone or anything anymore, and neither do their parents.  Any parent irresponsible enough to bring their scream weasel to a public beach is also inconsiderate enough to not give a shit if their little pumpkin steps on your iPhone.  Remember, kids in America are ranked almost dead last in test scores compared to other countries, but first in confidence that they beat everyone else.  They’re arrogant little dumbasses and they don’t care about you.

The McHatefuls



You probably remember family trips to the beach as a kid being kind of fun experiences, and maybe your dad getting frustrated about getting ready to go.  For some reason, your frustrated dad multiplied and now is always at the beach with his new family.  He’s the guy who hates his wife and kids and probably hates you too.  He hates the beach and the sand, he hates the traffic on the highway and he hates where he had to park.  His wife hates him for making this so difficult and hates the kids for not settling down and hates you for staring at her every time she screeches at the kids.

This family will set up camp near you no matter where you are on the beach.  Try not to look directly at them because they will notice and they will try to make contact.

The Lonely Boners



Always be suspicious of a man by himself at the beach, he’s probably there for nothing good and you certainly don’t want to touch him.  These guys probably have cell phones with them and they’re not fooling anyone by pretending to text when they’re obviously filming camel toe and cleavage. 

Nathan Gordon
Nathan Gordon

Idk what's worst, the subject or the fact they are using a phone from 1995 without a camera to take the photo

Tony J Mirabella
Tony J Mirabella

Oh. and the homeless guy who smells like a dead horse buried in a landfill who decides the beach is a good place to sleep off a high.

Tony J Mirabella
Tony J Mirabella

Probably current. Everyone knows those Nokias are indestructible. Scientists have proven they will outlast the sun.

Tony J Mirabella
Tony J Mirabella

The guys who wear bathing suits so tight that you can make out the divider and vomit. The moron who never heard of headphones or an Ipod and brings his boom box playing shit music. The 75 year olds who still think a bathing suit meant for a 23 year old is appropriate, thus showing off more wrinkles than a raisin in the desert. The jock douche bag with the long hair and a surfboard. The idiots who think that the colorful sun hats and the sunscreen on their noses is cool. The people with apparent intestinal and bladder disorders that take up the bathroom for 6 hours. The drunk who is either punching around his wife or ranting incoherently.

bofa-sg User

I am sort of a combination of #1, #2, #6, and maybe a little bit of # 7 sometimes.

Joseph Udice
Joseph Udice

I've seen newer looking phones in 'The Departed.'

Shane Wall
Shane Wall

Talk about going chincy on the stock images!

Glen Moser
Glen Moser

Forgot the snooty bitches, who think they are better then anyone else


If anyone, you crossed the line by writting this awful article. 

People like this have always been going to the beach to soak up some sun  and enjoy their day, now you're giving your readers more reasons to feel that more insecure. Shame on you.

Gerryblue User

I found it funny and, sadly, true.

Jonathan-Appling-134 User

Being alone does not make a person bad. It may only show that their schedule is different than everyone else's that they know. It may be they do not like being around fake people who appear friendly but are really backstabbers. They may be calling someone to see why their cheating self is not answering the phone. There are beautiful women everywhere and you don't have to be beautiful to go to the beach. They may be looking for a beautiful woman to play knight of the sand castle with you . Have an adventure with them. If you are going to barely wear any clothes to cover your nudity, be glad people are taking pictures of you. How do you not know that they are a talent scout or a philanthropist , scientist doing an experiment in human studies, unless you talk to them.

Audrey Robbins
Audrey Robbins

They forgot the old couple that's been drinking all day that are waaaaaaaay to chatty. We always seem to run into tem

Tandy Wu
Tandy Wu

Joe Chung this phone model can take photo=_=

Scott Walker
Scott Walker

What year is it that they're using a Nokia 7250?

savy1234 User

Who writes this dumb shit?

treyert User

@Ally-Badger-405  Ally, you are the cat's poo of the litterbox of humanity. Aren't you glad you have nine lives? It'll help you survive the flushing and make you come back for more. Just like a bad joke being retold…but worse. 

RiotSt4rt3r User

@Jonathan-Appling-134  My girlfriend at the time went on a trip to the Galapagos Islands for college. While at the Laguardia (NY) airport heading home one of those wonderful talent scouts you talk about tried relentlessly to get her to board a plane with him to Miami instead of going back home, he also claimed to be an Army Sergeant. After about 15 minutes of her and her friends being harassed random strangers in the restaurant started to step in to get the guy to leave them alone.... So... yeah.. we don't particularly care for talent scouts. It's also worth pointing out that the only 2 guys in their group were limp wristed tw**s.

Fortey moderator User

@savy1234 I write this dumb shit, Savy1234.  That's why my name is at the top.

oaco42 User

@Fortey Your writing style is remnant of the bad ass of the week website...ever read it?