Turkey’s New Year’s Entertainment Is Better Than Ours

Cable television stations try to entertain us on New Year’s Eve. They pay millions of dollars to get celebrities and musicians to go on television and try to entertain people who are either a) too drunk to be paying attention, b) not watching, or c) too depressed to really care.

And it’s obvious they are half-assing it. Why? Turkey, that’s why.

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What makes this video even worse is that Turkey isn’t part of America (which is surprising since it’s a country named after a food America is king of all food, especially eating it). You know where Turkey is located? Who cares, that’s where. And they’re beating us. That woman and her sultry dancing and breasts and belly and breasts are beating us.

Here’s what we got:

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Oh, cool. Because the one thing all of America wants to see is an aging D-lister trying to get all up on a “journalist’s” penis. And CNN, hey, meet me at the next paragraph.

I get that you’re having a hard time with ratings. I know it’s hard losing money (I have five dollars right now. If I lost half of that, I have no clue how I’d purchase all my scratch tickets that will surely lead me to riches). But you’re suppose to be journalism. That means you don’t do s**t like this. But whatever, enjoy your descent into irrelevance. Kathy Griffin will welcome you with open arms.

America use to have Dick Clark, who was a pretty awesome guy. But not in his last final years. Clark passed away last year but was able to do one more New Year’s Rockin’ Eve:

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“Happy new year! Hope these last 30 seconds of watching a man struggle to say the easiest of words has been a ton of f**king fun!”

And here is an advertisement for this last New Year’s Rockin’ Eve:

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Nothing about this seems great. Nothing. Not one thing. At the end, when you think Ryan Seacrest might get stomped to death, that’s cool. That provides a lot of hope that this Rockin’ Eve might be worth watching. But no. He doesn’t die. And you know if he did, Kathy Griffin would probably try to go down on him anyway.

So, America. I hope it feels good. I hope it feels really, really good. Because Turkey has belly dancers and we have Ryan Seacrest.

May God have mercy on us all.


Dammit, LA. You’re all assholes.

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