What If The Transformers Were Anatomically Correct?

Todd-Spence by Todd-Spence on Jun. 27, 2014

Transformers 4: Age of Extinction opens in theaters today. It's the fourth film in the series, but there's one element that's been missing from the franchise the entire time: robot penis.

Now hear me out. The Autobots are clearly dudes, with two legs, two arms, two hands, etc. They even have fingers. But we've been robbing the Transformers of their manhood for four whole movies now, and frankly it's embarrassing. What if Indiana Jones had a Ken doll crotch? Let's not be prudes here, it's 2014 for crying out loud. So we thought we'd give the design team suggestions on how to make the Transformers more masculine. Sorry, Hasbro.

This truck isn't just a truck.  It's a Transformer with a penis.

The genitals could start out as an "Easter egg" early in the film, which only die-hard Transformers fans would notice. Designers could also easily CGI Transformer penises into various scenes from Transformers 3 for a re-released version of the film not unlike George Lucas' Star Wars Special Edition.

Optimus Prime, revealing the secret weapon.

We imagine that the Transformers' genitals would wrap up like a garden hose when not in use, coiled like so. This would also easily explain why we have never seen their genitals before in the previous films.

The rules have changed indeed.

Here we see the genitals uncoiled, with Optimus Prime showing why he's the pride of the pack. He's really sending a message to the Decepticons, as if to say "we're in charge".

What rhymes with road block?

Here we see that the Decepticons also have genitals which can knock cars off the highway. It's important to note that as the "bad guys," they would use their genitals for evil, and never for good.

Much like his steering alignment, his bot leans to the right.

As we've seen in the previous films, Bumblebee, with revealed genitals ready, would always be willing to help out the other Autobots.

The genital beam serves as both a laser AND beacon of hope.

Last but not least, we feel that if Optimus Prime gets really angry, his genitals should turn into a Decepticon-destroying laser. This would make for some unique action sequences in the new Transformers film, or in any film, for that matter.

So, what do you guys think?  Are there any other movie characters that should be anatomically correct?  Let us know in the comments below because it's really important. 

By @Todd_Spence & @PhilHaney

52 comments
Eddie4fins
Eddie4fins User

Really Break? what a piece of garbage.......


John Sebastian La Valle
John Sebastian La Valle

How could they be anatomically correct when they aren't even human or supposed to be? Break has been lame lately I'm considering an unfollow

Jack Harrington
Jack Harrington

I will save my money for dawn of the planet of the appes

Regie Malicdem
Regie Malicdem

I really hope that transformers will shoot here in the Philippines.. They can also make a jeepy type autobot.

Java Architek
Java Architek

am i the only one having noticed the word "tranformers"? should it be "transformers" ? :D

Timothy-Rees-314
Timothy-Rees-314 User

I was expecting to see drawing of transformers with proper body ratios.
Got bad photoshops of robo penis instead.
Screw you author.

Master Rule
Master Rule

The movie really sucks, and not only the movie, all the Transformers saga sucks

Kory Shawn Madigan
Kory Shawn Madigan

Hmmm robots have no need for anatomical correctness. They're robots. They need to be functional. Anatomy is for bio organisms.

Sean Paolo
Sean Paolo

there will be TF5 cuz Galvatron still lived.

Mark Tom
Mark Tom

break.com is a gay . obviously they like penis . .so find some real penis and suck it . .

ispeakthetruth
ispeakthetruth User

why? WHYY  ? such garbage  !  PLZ REMOVE FROM INTERNET ! 

David Peters
David Peters

What do u expect from transformers. Romance?? Ofcourse there was explosions. Duh. If u dont like action then stick to ur gay chick flicks

Johnnyandsteph Andrade
Johnnyandsteph Andrade

The Dinobots had a cool role but short role. But man it was good. I'm glad mark walburgs friend died cause he told the police where Optimus was hiding

Johnnyandsteph Andrade
Johnnyandsteph Andrade

Saw it last night! It was cool how megatron trick the humans build him a new body! Optimus killed the bad guy buy putting his sword through his spark and spitting his face off! Megatron lives so there's gonna be another part

Ron Elâm
Ron Elâm

Is Break run by stupid little kiddies?

Carl Borcherding
Carl Borcherding

Hmmmm, ...interesting that there aren't and lady autobots. That would give new meaning to being anatomically correct.... probably be a big boost at the box office too! ;o)

Cameron Dallas
Cameron Dallas

Hey i Am Cameron dallas , i want A Girlfriend ; Add Me If Your Blocked Follow Me ill Add you ♥

Vele Rubingu
Vele Rubingu

I've seen it too. but come on, the movie was good, the story, the messages well not everything was perfect in there but 95% was awesome.

Awais Mr-Cool
Awais Mr-Cool

im not a hater of the film. its just the truth

Awais Mr-Cool
Awais Mr-Cool

yeah i have seen it as well and it sucks. the only thing the movie has is explosions

DeezSaltyNutz
DeezSaltyNutz User

Big-boys.com has officially completed its transformation into Gay-boys.com.  Thank you Todd Spenis.

S Ara Vind
S Ara Vind

i really enjoyed sleeping while watching this movie

Lemonjuice43
Lemonjuice43 User

Todd Spence loves penis. "We'll look into it,"

LooseTrigger
LooseTrigger User

Where in the hell is that funny?
When I read the title, I hoped I see some crazy artwork.
This is just pathetic.