Transformers 4: Age of Extinction opens in theaters today. It’s the fourth film in the series, but there’s one element that’s been missing from the franchise the entire time: robot penis.
Now hear me out. The Autobots are clearly dudes, with two legs, two arms, two hands, etc. They even have fingers. But we’ve been robbing the Transformers of their manhood for four whole movies now, and frankly it’s embarrassing. What if Indiana Jones had a Ken doll crotch? Let’s not be prudes here, it’s 2014 for crying out loud. So we thought we’d give the design team suggestions on how to make the Transformers more masculine. Sorry, Hasbro.
This truck isn’t just a truck. It’s a Transformer with a penis.
The genitals could start out as an “Easter egg” early in the film, which only die-hard Transformers fans would notice. Designers could also easily CGI Transformer penises into various scenes from Transformers 3 for a re-released version of the film not unlike George Lucas’ Star Wars Special Edition.
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Optimus Prime, revealing the secret weapon.
We imagine that the Transformers’ genitals would wrap up like a garden hose when not in use, coiled like so. This would also easily explain why we have never seen their genitals before in the previous films.
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The rules have changed indeed.
Here we see the genitals uncoiled, with Optimus Prime showing why he’s the pride of the pack. He’s really sending a message to the Decepticons, as if to say “we’re in charge”.
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What rhymes with road block?
Here we see that the Decepticons also have genitals which can knock cars off the highway. It’s important to note that as the “bad guys,” they would use their genitals for evil, and never for good.
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Much like his steering alignment, his bot leans to the right.
As we’ve seen in the previous films, Bumblebee, with revealed genitals ready, would always be willing to help out the other Autobots.
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The genital beam serves as both a laser AND beacon of hope.
Last but not least, we feel that if Optimus Prime gets really angry, his genitals should turn into a Decepticon-destroying laser. This would make for some unique action sequences in the new Transformers film, or in any film, for that matter.
So, what do you guys think? Are there any other movie characters that should be anatomically correct? Let us know in the comments below because it’s really important.