This past Saturday, Toronto’s Mayor Rob Ford was caught on tape smoking crack. Yesterday we told you his lawyer had made a statement about Ford heading to rehab and we had a wistful moment to remember all the fun times we’ve had with Ford on video over the past year. Rob Ford has long fought against his image as a giant, Chris Farleyan crack baby, but this latest incident pretty much cements the truth of the matter – the man loves rock. He loves it! You’d have as much luck prying a ham out of Rob Ford’s mouth as you would a crack pipe.
Now, Ford saying he’s taking a break to address his addiction issues is PR talk for “I got caught and I need to bullshit you with something that sounds responsible.” Anyone with half a brain must realize that Rob Ford is two things right now – a crackhead and a liar. He’s going to lie for that sweet rock as long and as hard as he can. But, since he’s been caught, how’s that lie going to play out? What exactly is Rob Ford going to do to “address his issues?” We hatched some ideas!
- Smoke crack. Because obviously.
- Take a road trip to Vegas with Benicio del Toro.
- Run for mayor of D.C.
- Star in Two and a Half Men.
- Attack and partially eat a hobo in Florida.
- Egg Justin Bieber’s neighbor’s house.
- Take over Ke$ha’s career.
- Marry Courtney Love.
- Fill his ass with Skittles to try to crap a rainbow.
- Maybe try that krokodil as a weight loss alternative.
- Reenact Requiem for a Dream.
- Grease up and roll down a hill naked.
- Mainline a mix of poutine gravy and pure heroin.
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- Start inhaling ether through a specially designed gas mask, just to keep things interesting.
- Find some way to include “meow” in most of his sentences day to day.
- Trip out at a Cirque du Soleil show.
- Try to figure out what’s going on on a one dollar bill, man.
- Go talk to Dave. Oh wait. Dave’s not here, man.
- Go to jail until his buddy Dave Chappelle raises enough money selling weed to bail him out.
- Star in Tommy Boy 2.
- Create a line of artisanal maple fudge with crack sprinkles.
- Run for Prime Minister of Canada.
- Maybe shave off a few pounds, get in shape so it’s easier to run from people with cameras.
- Smoke crack. Obviously.