Break is officially sick to death of Bigfoot’s shenanigans. He’s real, he’s not real, he’s friendly to John Lithgow, he wants to eat and sexually molest John Lithgow. He’s a Yeti, he’s an Abominable Snowman. Jesus, Bigfoot, enough already. It’s go time. We didn’t want to write this how to, but you pushed us too far.
So you’ve decided to capture a Sasquatch (or the Sasquatch, depending on your preposition of choice. There’s more than one though, so don’t actually say “the.” It’s like saying “The Chinese Man” or “The Donald Trump”). Good for you! Asserting your dominance over a mythological beast is every red-blooded American’s right (and to our Mexican readers, go kick the chupacabra’s ass. He’s been asking for it for years!)
Capturing the Sasquatch is not going to be as easy as you might think. And do you know why? Because no one has ever done it before. This may make you question our credentials as it relates to showing you how to catch Sasquatch, but trust us – if anyone knows how to seduce massive, wooly bipeds, it’s the Break writing staff. Plus we do have experience in monster wrangling – where do you think all those albinos in our basement came from? We’re sorry if that was politically incorrect but, as we understand it, no one has to be politically correct anymore.
In order to get the most out of your Squatch hunting expedition (expert tip, we call him Squatch, or sometimes Samsquantch, but that’s a little silly, so nevermind), you need to wipe from your mind everything you think you know about hunting Bigfoot. Think you need to follow footprints? NO! Think you need to bait a man-sized trap with Colt 45 and pie? NO! That’ll get you nothing but bare-footed hobos.
[[contentId: 2878694| ]]
The first and most important aspect of a Squatch hunt is a location. Here’s a pop quiz. Which is the most likely place to find Bigfoot?
- Northern California
- Downtown Detroit
Did you guess any of the first three? Good luck finding anything but ticks and serial killers. Did you guess downtown Detroit? Good luck finding anything but ticks and serial killers. Bigfoot is never where anyone has ever looked for him, that’s exactly why no one has ever found him. Makes sense when you think about it.
So far the only images of Bigfoot have been dirty lies and frauds that sucked horribly. Here’s video made by a former fraud investigator showing Bigfoot on a thermal cam eating a chocolate bar out of a tree stump. None of that was even a joke.
[[contentId: 2878700| ]]
Your best bet for narrowing down Bigfoot’s location is to pick a place you think he’ll probably be, like British Columbia, and then not go there. Stop in Washington or something and get blitzed. Legally you probably can’t even think about catching Bigfoot unless you tend to have a lot of beer for breakfast on a semi-regular basis. So make the most of that and then get a little lost and so wasted that when you do see Bigfoot and tell others about it after the fact, they will playfully refer to you as “rummy” and then ignore you.. Bigfoot is like a magical fairy city in that way.
[[contentId: 2878695| ]]
Now that you’re lost in a place you never intended to go, you need to set some traps. Trap is a loose term here, it’s not like you can use one of those idiotic foot noose things to catch an 8 foot tall hairy man beast. Really what you’re going to need is a lot of tranquilizers and tazers. Did you bring those? Hope you brought those.
Baiting a trap for Bigfoot isn’t like baiting a trap for mice. You can catch mice with stuff like peanut butter, and that’s BS. You know why there are so many mice in labs? They’re just that dumb.
You can’t bait a trap for Sasquatch with crap like a steak. Why? Because he’s an outdoorsman, he’s eating far superior cuts of meat all the time. Likewise fruits and nuts are out of the question. Did you know that fruits and nuts come from outdoors? So does Sasquatch. Here’s a better assortment of bait;
[[contentId: 2878696| ]]
Surprised? Don’t be, how else do you expect to get a fictional beast docile enough for capture when people who didn’t get their advice from comedy websites have failed for so many years? Expert tip: Loch Ness monster can be caught the same way if you toss in mescaline.
Your best bet is to liberally pepper your surroundings with half empty bottles. No sense wasting that booze, drink it yourself. This will allow Bigfoot to feel a little more secure near you anyway. He’s no dummy – if you’re drunk he knows he has plausible deniability and an irrefutable Bigfoot sighting can now be laid at the feet of any of the following;
[[contentId: 2878697| ]]
Take a look at these close brushes with Bigfoot from the past;
[[contentId: 2878698| ]]
[[contentId: 2878699| ]]
Do you notice anything similar? Of course, it’s the fragrance of utter crap in the air. So if you want to make your capture of Bigfoot a winner, you’re going to need to go hardcore.
Make sure you’ve polished off the rest of that booze. Get your tazers and tranquilizers ready in one hand and a camera in the other. Test the camera first by doing some still footage of nature – a deer, a tree, a dead hiker. Is the picture still and in focus? You’re a failure, drink more. Maybe make some margaritas with one of those tranquilizers you have there.
Once your ability to walk and see straight is sufficiently impaired, have at it. Bigfoot should be comfortable enough with you to appear and have that drink you set as bait, now’s your chance to lunge. Start with your shaky, out-of-focus camera footage or, if you have a thermal like our friend, make sure you screw it up so badly the thermal imaging barely registers as visible despite thermal cameras usually giving remarkably accurate silhouettes of living things. How can you do that if you’re not pulling a hoax? Who knows, that’s what you brought all the bourbon for.
Get a few decent minutes of Squatch getting tipsy, but never stop moving the camera. God help you if you bring a tripod.
It’s time to toss the camera and barrel forth with guns and tazers blazing. He’ll only be able to withstand the barrage for so long before dropping like a stone at which point you can hog tie him and throw him in your pick up. You have a pick up, right? You better. No one will believe a Bigfoot that’s stuffed in a Prius.
Take Bigfoot into town and call the local press and a few other Bigfoot hunters who can spread the word around. On a slow news day you can expect a Minnesota FOX affiliate to pick this up, as well as a good portion of CBS.
When they arrive and your pickup is smeared with either your own vomit, or your own vomit and a terrified badger but no Squatch, don’t panic. This was all part of the plan. Show the video footage and simply explain how Bigfoot somehow overpowered you, and maybe molested you and John Lithgow in the woods.
Keep showing that video footage. Go on radio shows and morning talk shows that service tiny, podunk communities. Put it on the internet and maybe charge $3 on paypal to view it. Keep this up for several months while you write your book. Once you’ve amassed a decent enough chunk of change, Bigfoot will come looking for you this time, trying to get his cut. Congratulations; you just caught the Sasquatch.