Throw Away Your Condoms; The Egyptian Army Has Cured AIDS
Everybody stop using condoms and start reusing needles! The Egyptian army has cured AIDS and Hepatitis C. At least that’s the story coming from General Ibrahim Abdel-Atti, who claims to have squashed the disease like an anti-government protester “with the grace of my God at the rate of 100%.”
Those are some pretty impressive stats, and it’s always good to have the man upstairs on your side. But how’d they manage to do it?
According to Dr. Ihsan Hanfy Hussein, a member of Abdel-Atti’s team, researchers have developed a “Complete Cure Device” which funnels blood out of the patient, purifies it, and then returns it to the body good as new. It’s the same process a 10-year-old with absolutely no medical knowledge would use.
“I will nourish the patient on the AIDS treatment,” Abdel-Atti said. “I will give it to him like a skewer of Kofta to nourish him.”
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Give it to him like a skewer? Jeez, Ibrahim. At least buy him dinner, first.
While many in Egypt are celebrating news of the cure, others are warning that we should hold off on giving it to AIDS patients like a skewer until we have more data.
Some scientists, like Essam Heggy, called Abdel-Atti’s declaration a “scientific scandal” for the nation that “hurts the image of scientists and science in Egypt.” Considering the only time most people think of “scientists” and “Egypt” in the same context is while watching Ancient Aliens, I think thier reputation will be OK.
Others, like Dr. Gamal Shiha, were skeptical because nothing “scientifically relevant” has been published. And all of this skepticism is compounded by the fact that ever since the Egyptian military launched a coup last year, questioning the Army has become very, very unpopular.
But if I had to guess, I’d say that those criticizing the “Complete Cure Device” are nothing more than Muslim Brotherhood sympathizers working in conjunction with their Zionist-controlled overlords to bring down Egypt from within. All hail Field Marshal Abdul Fattah Al Sissi, savior of Egypt, destroyer of AIDS.
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