This $50 Super Bowl Bet Can Make You The World's Richest Man
If shady gambling-related Twitter accounts are to be believed, boxer Floyd Mayweather has already bet more than $10 million on the Denver Broncos to win Super Bowl XLVIII. I don’t want to call an undefeated boxing champion a pussy, but compared to the money I’m going to win, $10 million definitely feels like a pussy-ish amount. In fact, I’m only going to risk $50 dollars, but if things go my way, I stand to become the richest man on the planet.
How? Parlays, my friend. Parlays all day long!
What’s a Parlay?
A parlay (also known as a combo bet) is a wager that consists of at least two or more bets that are linked together. So instead of just betting for one outcome (Denver to win), you’re betting for multiple outcomes (Denver to win and Peyton Manning to win MVP, etc.). The down side of a parlay is that if any of your bets lose, the entire wager is a loss. But on the plus side, the more bets you add, the higher the payout if you win. Some so-called “experts” would call larger parlays a “sucker bet.” But those people are just unlucky and jealous of my heroic gambling destiny.
So come along as I explain how to turn a $50 wager into $710,923,613,350.
Two Bet Parlay – Drugs (7:2) and Poor Sportsmanship (11:2) - Pay Out = $1412.50
Let’s start off with a nice two-way parlay. I could go with something basic, like Denver to cover paired with an over bet, but where’s the fun in that? No, if we’re going to win big money, we’re going to have to get stupid. Luckily, there are plenty of stupid proposition bets to choose from.
For example, because both Denver and Seattle are now home to legal weed, the odds that the announcers will say the word "Marijuana" during the game are currently 7:2 against. This means that if the announcers come through, a gambler would win $3.5 for every $1 spent.
And the odds that America’s favorite WWE wrestling heel Richard Sherman will receive an unnecessary roughness penalty are currently 11:2 against, which means if he is called for a dirty play, it pays $5.5 for every $1 wagered.
Now, if I bet $50 dollars on each of these propositions individually and won both, I’d get a total of $450. But if I bet it as a parlay, my payout increases dramatically because I’m taking on more risk. So instead of winning $450 from a $100 bet, I’m looking at winning $1412.50 from a $50 bet. Not too shabby. But why stop there (besides the rapidly increasing likelihood of a loss)?
Three Bet Parlay - A Manning Retirement (7:1) - Pay Out = $11650
So, we’ve already bet that Richard Sherman will get called for unnecessary roughness, and that the announcers will use the word “marijuana” at some point in the game. Since both of these events are pretty much guaranteed to happen, let’s add a little more risk. The odds of Peyton Manning retiring before next season are 7:1 against, but I have a feeling his robotic spine is going to malfunction, so I’ll take that action all day long.
Adding a Manning retirement to the mix at 7:1, our $50 three-way parlay is now paying out $11650. Easy money.
Wait, How Do I Calculate The Parlay?
At this point you’re probably wondering how to figure out what a parlay pays out. In order to this, you have to figure out the parlay factor for each individual wager. For favorites, the parlay factor equals (money line plus 100) / money line. But for underdogs (which is all we're betting), the parlay factor equals (money line plus 100)/ 100. Once you've figured out the factors, multiply them all together and subtract one. You then multiply that number by the total amount you’re wagering. Did you get all that? Yeah, me either.
If this sounds complicated, it is! That’s why it’s much easier to use one of these online parlay calculators. Also, when you’re making a bet with a sports book, they’re usually more than willing to calculate the numbers for you, especially when you’re making idiotic bets. Besides, once you win, you can pay some egghead to explain it all to you in greater detail. For now, let's get back to the gambling!
Four Bet Parlay – Bruno Mars Hat (10:1) - Pay Out = $128,650
I’m bored with Football. Let’s start betting on something a little more interesting, like hats. When Bruno Mars performs at this year’s halftime show, he’ll probably be wearing a hat. But what kind of hat will he be wearing? That, my friends, is the $100,000 question. Literally.
If we add a fourth bet to our parlay in favor of Bruno Mars wearing a Tuque on his head at the start of his halftime performance, we’ll be getting odds of 10:1. So if all four bets come in, we’re now looking at a total of $128,650! Not a bad haul. But there’s a catch.
Unfortunately, Bovada caps parlay winnings at $100,000 per wager. So if you want to place a larger parlay, you’re going to have to find another sports book that will take your action, or perhaps a high-stakes bookie. Considering you’ll be asking the bookie to take on millions of dollars of risk in order to make $50, perhaps it’s best to look for a high-stakes bookie who has recently suffered a traumatic brain injury.
Five Bet Parlay - Power Outage (20:1) - Pay Out = $2,702,650
At last year’s Super Bowl in New Orleans, a faulty electrical relay cut power to the Superdome, delaying the game for more than 30 minutes. It was the first time in 47 years that such a delay occurred. Will it happen again this year? I’m thinking yes. Why? Because now that you can actually wager on it at 20:1 odds, it’s possible, if not probable, that some egghead at the power company is going to want to make some easy money by sabotaging the game.
Think I’m crazy? Go watch the episode of Law & Order that was loosely based on the Enron scandal ("Darkness"), and then tell me who’s crazy! Still me? Well, at 20:1 odds, a winning power outage bet parlayed with our previous wagers brings our total winnings to $2,702,650. So yeah I’m crazy. Crazy rich!
Six Bet Parlay – Thanking The Owner First (25:1) - Pay Out = $70,270,150
Whoever wins the MVP award is bound to thank a lot of people. But who will he thank first? Well, the bookies are pretty sure it won’t be the owner of whichever team wins. In fact, at 25:1 against, bookmakers think it’s more likely that the power will go out. But at the end of the day, my gut is telling me to take this bet. After all, maybe we’ll get an MVP winner who hates his family, friends, coaches, teammates, and God. And if we do, cha-ching!
Seven Bet Parlay - No Touchdowns (66:1) - Payout = $4,708,103,350
Bookmakers have placed the over/under for this year’s Super Bowl at 47, which means they think the combined score of both teams will be somewhere around that number. Assuming they are right, do you think both teams can reach that number without scoring any touchdowns? Or maybe they're wrong and the final score will be 6 to 3. Either way, at 66:1, no touchdowns equals big, big money.
First off, a Super Bowl has never been played without a touchdown being scored, so clearly we’re due! And while it’s rare for any game to go four quarters without someone finding the endzone, it's not imposible. For example, in 2009, Cleveland beat Buffalo by a score of 6 to 3. And a 2009 game between Clevalnd and Buffalo is more or less the same as a present-day game between Dever and Seattle. Granted, Peyton Manning might be a better Quarterback than former Browns QB Derek Anderson, but we’ve already established that Manning is going to get knocked out early when his robo-spine malfunctions. After this happens, expect Seattle's defense to take over. I can easily see this game having 15 field goals and a safety, but regardless, I’m confident that no touchdowns will be scored. If I’m right, our total winnings will come to $4,708,103,350. That’s a lot of money, but I think we’ve got room for a little more.
Eight Bet Parlay - Duke Ihenacho MVP (150:1) - Pay Out = $710,923,613,350
Nigerian sensation Duke Ihenacho isn’t a household name outside of Denver… or in Denver. Granted, he’s had a pretty great season at safety, but considering he was actually cut by the Broncos in 2012 (and later re-signed to the practice squad before getting back on the regular roster) it’s safe to say he isn’t high on the list of possibilities for Super Bowl MVP. In fact, he’s a 150-to-1 shot. And considering a safety has only won the award twice in Super Bowl history, Ihenacho deserves the long shot status. But as most people will tell you, when it comes to making a lot of money quickly, always trust a Nigerian.
I’m hot on Ihenacho for MVP, and that’s why he rounds out our eighth spot on the parlay. And with his 150:1 odds, he brings our grand total to $710,923,613,350. That’s almost ten times the net worth of Carlos Slim. And all that needs to happen is a Richard Sherman unnecessary roughness penalty, an on-air mention of marijuana, a Peyton Manning retirement, a very specific Bruno Mars hat, a power outage, a shout out to a team owner at a specific time, zero touchdowns scored, and Nigerian safety to win the MVP. I like those odds!
Now, can someone loan me $50? I'm good for it!