Tonight’s the night so kiss 2012 goodbye as our arbitrary calendar comes to an end and we start the whole thing over again. As is tradition, bars and clubs and homes around the world will be loaded with drunkards tonight, celebrating, making out, possibly vomiting, but why? Why is New Years the drunkiest holiday of all, with the exception of St. Patrick’s Day?
Turns out, working online has allowed us a special glimpse into just what it is that drives people to drink on this particular holiday. It’s not the good cheer, the relaxed atmosphere, the letting go of old and embracing the new. No, it’s the terrible music. Just look at this stuff:
You can tell this video is getting off to a bad start right from the beginning but then, at 0:29, that DJ who looks an awful lot like Joe Piscopo makes some sort of curious, skeet hand gesture and what sounds like an all male tribute to Cher starts up with what are arguably some of the worst lyrics ever conceived by 6th graders about the New Year.
“December is over, the old year has passed, at midnight we honor the New Year at last.” You’ve already finished a drink, haven’t you? You know every time you point out in the comments something we made a mistake on? Like a typo or a video description that forgets something? It’s because we drink and we drink because it’s our job to watch videos like this all day long. We don’t have a choice.
Skip to 3:10 now and look at that kiss. If that doesn’t make you want to drink then you may still have a soul. For the rest of us, that awkward kiss, him with his mouth all agape like a lovelorn sarlacc and her, tight lipped and fearful she might taste his lunch, is just such a sad state of affairs it’s another gin and tonic closer to 2013 right there in that one moment. Turn it off. Just turn it off.
This is ABBA. So it sounds exactly like every single other ABBA song. That’s all the warning I can give you. You should be 4 drinks into this blog by now.
If you can watch this whole video without needing a drink then you are pretty impressive because it’s obvious even the people making it were wasted. It’s like three bad songs got in a car wreck and made one really bad song complete with lines like “come and hear this mindblowing rap song” and “hey girl, your man is a super bird near flowing river.”
No one here was able to determine what that song has to do with New Years at all, but that may also be because of all the drinking. So you see, it’s a vicious cycle. And that’s why we drink.