The 10 Best and Worst Things About Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is almost here and you have some choices to make.  What to eat, what to do and whom to do it with.  Choose wisely or suffer the consequences.


Best Song: Thanksgiving Prayer (Dr. Quinn edition)

Johnny Cash singing on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?  You’re damn right it is.  Is there anything weirder than watching a TV show when a musical guest shows up and sings and the cast just has to sit there and try to look natural until the song is over?  And they never look natural because why would Johnny Cash ever be on Dr. Quinn just singing a thanksgiving song to those people?  Anyway, the whole awkwardness of this scene mixed with the awesomeness of Johnny Cash and the fact there really aren’t any good Thanksgiving songs (don’t you dare mention Adam Sandler) makes this a winner.


Worst Song: It’s Thanksgiving

Produced by the same Prince of Hell behind Rebecca Black’s “Friday,” this needless monstrosity of a song is devoid of soul or purpose.  So this kid likes Thanksgiving, huh?  Why is that strange man hanging around with all these children, anyway?  Even Dr. Suess would mock the simplicity of the lyrics in this thing. 


Best Movie: Thankskilling

Maybe it doesn’t relate to the spirit of the season as much as you’d like, but there’s a talking turkey puppet in this movie that murders people.  I don’t know what else you expect from Thanksgiving, but this should be all you ever need.


Worst Movie: Thanks for the Giving

Truth be told we didn’t watch this movie before labelling it worst, but as porn pun titles go, this is awful.  Thanks for the Giving?  Are you supposed to say it while thrusting lasciviously so we’re all sure what you meaning by “giving?”    This is terrible in so many ways.

Best Side Dish: Stuffing! 

You only eat stuffing twice a year, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Unless you’re one of those people who buy boxed stuffing in which case please stop.  Stop that.  there are a handful of skills every human should master in their lives, from tying shoes to starting fires to changing a tire.  Another is making homemade stuffing.  It’s not hard and don’t let anyone tell you that it is.  Master it andbe the envy of all your Velcro-shoed friends.

Worst Side Dish: Ambrosia Salad

Few of us know what lurks beneath the surface of an ambrosia salad, most are probably made up on the spot by their Frankensteinian creators.  There’s a good bet you have gelatin, coconut and marshmallow present, however, and quite possibly mayonnaise as well. Look it up, it’s totally a traditional ingredient.  Do you want pineapple and Jello mixed with mayo on your plate?

Best Main: Turkey

Obviously. Don’t do salmon or something.  That’s weird.

Worst Main: True Love Roast

Look at this monstrosity.  This literally cost 12 birds their lives.  It’s an entire block’s worth of Thanksgiving dinners that has wiped out an entire farm.  The roast contains turkey, goose, chicken, pheasant, partridge, pigeon squab, Aylesbury duck, Barbary duck, poussin, guinea fowl, mallard-and quail with herb and fruit stuffings.  Do you even know what poussin is?  No one does.  Plus it takes 45 minutes just to assemble, and that’s after 3 hours of deboning the pool little buggers, then another 12 hours in the oven to combat the fortress of salmonella you’ve created.

Best Guest: Drunken and/or Estranged Uncle

You’re going to want to hitch your wagon to whatever guest is drawing the attention away from you so that no one expects anything from you.  Pick someone who will make a spectacle of themselves so that you can be entertained and, in comparison, you won’t be considered awful no matter what you do or don’t do.  This is basic Thanksgiving camouflage. 

Worst Guest: The Judgmental Elderly

You’re going to want to avoid any conversations with distant, old relatives who you know have a different worldview than you, or most of modern humanity.  We never like to admit it but it seems most of us have at least one person in the family who is wholeheartedly dedicated to be a champion of intolerance and stupidity and will stay that way until they die.  Are they racist? Sexist? Still calling people hippies?  There’s a rich range of possibilities.