A Quick List Of Things That Will Return To The News When Trump Is President

We are now in the speculation phase the follows the election of any new president. Names are floated for Cabinet and administration positions, often based on little more than hearsay in a Beltway watering hole, where babbling drunks become “sources”. “Multiple sources” generally means the reporter was at the bar a little longer than he or she should have been but, hey, anything for a story, right? 

Some people feel they know exactly what will happen during the Trump years. Sarah Silverman, for example, says it’ll be like the Great Depression, except with pain and stuff this time.

Many feel that Mike Pence and his magic Patriarchy Penis Wand will wield super powers that no other vice president has ever had.

Despite the set-in-stone opinions that both supporters and detractors have about how President Trump will govern, it all really is a mystery.

Something that is more certain is how the press will behave once he takes the oath of office. We have history to guide us here, as there are always different sets of rules for a Democrat or Republican president. 

Of course, the Obama years provided something different altogether. All media, but especially those assigned to covering the president, have spent the last eight years with their pants around their ankles, staring lovingly at “Hope” posters and whispering, “Why won’t he notice me?” to the empty room as a single tear traveled southward. It was like somebody put teenage boy lust and romance novels into a Nutribullet and made an uncomfortable-to-look-at smoothie. 

Well kids, that’s all going to be over soon. Here are some things you can count on making a comeback on January 20th, 2017. 

1. Journalistic Curiosity 

It isn’t that the press didn’t ask President Obama any questions when they weren’t nervously giggling, it’s that most of the questions were about feelings, either his or theirs. Things like, “How difficult is it talking to those awful Republicans?” or “Will you please make sweet, tender love to me?” 

Once Trump is in office, expect them to put on their porkpie hats and begin playing journalists again. Sure, they will all be carrying around backpacks filled with confirmation bias, but they’ll at least be faking it again. The first one that can “prove” President Trump’s xenophobia melted a glacier and drowned a transgender refugee polar bear wins a Pulitzer. 

2. Disdain for Presidential Golf

Before 2008, it was common among press types to grouse about Republican presidents and their golf habits. Eisenhower was president before I was born and I knew he golfed a lot because the media mentioned it so often, usually to disparage his time as president. The media talked about George W. Bush’s golf habits as if he were taking food from the mouths of poor people to pay for balls and tees. 

Then Barack Obama began hitting the links. 

There are country club pros who played fewer rounds than President Obama these past eight years. In that time, golf went from being an elitist waste of time for the most powerful man on earth to “stress relief” that made him a better president

Should Trump so much as practice putting, the MSM will no doubt see it as proof that he will soon bomb Sweden.

3. Homeless Epidemic

Sadly, there are millions of homeless people in America. Even more sadly, they become almost invisible to the media when a Democrat is president. 

During George W. Bush’s presidency, stories about homelessness in America flooded nightly newscasts, always accompanied by either the words “crisis” or “epidemic”. 

On January 20th, 2009 Barack Obama did his best David Copperfield impression and the crisis magically disappeared, replaced by news stories of how beautiful the First Lady looked when she was making school kids eat kale burgers. 

By lunchtime on Trump’s Inauguration Day, expect this to become a problem that concerns journalists again. 

If President Trump suggests anything to address the problem, the MSM will say he has a secret plan to use homeless people to invade Sweden after he bombs it. 

4. The President Will Be Responsible For Gas Prices Again

From January 2001 to January 2009, every uptick in prices at the pump was directly attributed to President Bush. He had practically attained Saudi Prince status and, even though the media insisted he was the dumbest man alive, President Bush was in COMPLETE CONTROL OF OPEC AT ALL TIMES.  Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and a couple other Democrat flying monkeys from Capitol Hill staged a photo op to demand that President Bush tear that price wall down. 

When gas prices were hitting record highs during the Obama years, the press responded either with, “What’s a ‘gas’?” or detailed think pieces on how the most powerful man on earth is the most helpless when it comes to what’s happening at the pump. 

Reminding them of the Schumer/Pelosi stunt was, of course, racist.

If gas prices rise precipitously while Trump is in office he will immediately be blamed, then the press will publish an open letter to the president by 127 celebrities begging the president not to beat up Canada and steal its oil to use for fuel in the planes that will bomb Sweden. 

5. Concern For Sweden

As you can see, most of what the press will return to worrying about is rooted in the deeply held fear that what Republican presidents want most is to attack Sweden. With Trump as POTUS, that will be compounded by the additional fear that Trump will just buy Sweden after he bombs it, turning it into a chilly reeducation camp for journalists. 

Sure, that last part was made up, but so will 90% of what will be “reported” about the new president. 

For the record, I like Sweden. 

I’m not really sure what they’ve done for us lately though…


Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world.