4 Half Assed Guesses About What Gluten Is

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on May. 09, 2014

According to a recent study of 147 ladies on a gluten-free diet, 72% did not meet the criteria for even having gluten sensitivity and 44% started the diet without talking to a doctor, meaning, for the most part, people eating gluten-free have replaced all the gluten in themselves with bullshit.  As Jimmy Kimmel pointed out by mocking people on the streets, many people don’t even know what gluten is.


For the record, gluten is a protein from wheat.  When you start mixing up a dough out of flour you produce glutenin and gliadin.  The gluten part is actually what gives dough its elasticity.  If you have celiac disease, your small intestine reacts with the gliadin and causes a variety of health problems.  This is not a wheat allergy, and the gluten doesn’t make you fat.  Mostly it gives you cramps, diarrhea or constipation, stomach upset and fatigue, since you can’t absorb nutrients properly.  Less than 1% of people are ever diagnosed with Celiac Disease.  Others may have a gluten sensitivity and that pulls in numbers at around 6% of the population or less, depending on the study.

Now that we actually know what gluten is, it’s safe to say people who avoid it who don’t have Celiac disease have no idea what gluten is.  And those people are in the majority of people avoiding it.  Odds are, in fact, you know someone who doesn’t eat gluten and, sadly, they probably can’t tell you why.  Until now!  Using this handy guide, you can explain away your gluten-intolerance with no viable, scientifically accurate information whatsoever!

It’s Bread!

Most people think gluten is wheat and/or bread.  This is the go-to answer for people who just heard gluten is bad but didn’t hear why.  Carbs used to be bad, remember?  So gluten is probably carbs, it’s in the same stuff.  It’s the science behind carbs!  It’s what makes carbs bad.  What’s a carb?

The Jimmy Kimmel video uses this explanation pretty much exclusively.  No one knows what gluten is besides being bread or wheat, so assume most of the 29% of the American population, or over 90 million people currently eating gluten-free foods think this.

It’s Poison!

Maybe the government added gluten to your food.  If you can bake gluten-free, it must be a useless additive.  And no wonder it’s making people sick, damn chemicals.

A thoughtful person might ponder how it is that mankind made flour over 30,000 years ago and we’ve been enjoying bread ever since and it wasn’t until 2012 we discovered it was worse than Hitler, but that person is an asshole and probably works for Dow Chemical or whatever company has been adding gluten to our food.

It’s Fat!

Notice that one girl in Kimmel’s video assures us that gluten is bad because it makes you fat.  In the end, that’s what every diet comes down to. People think cutting out gluten will make them healthier and thinner.  People who don’t need to cut out gluten, that is.  People with an actual problem with gluten don’t want ot eat it because it hurts.  Does bread hurt you?  No.  Maybe it just makes you fat, then.  And we know this because Dr. Atkins told us so.  Because carbs.  Because carbs are fat.  Fats are fat, too.  Everything is fat except gluten-free food and bottled water. 

It’s the End of the World

A good 30 years ago, everyone was convinced sugar was the devil.  Damned sugary sodas and desserts would kill us all.  We had to do something!  We invented aspartame and diet versions of everything.  Later we thought fat was going to kill us all.  It had to be evil, it was called fat and fat was what you didn’t want to be.  We made fat free versions of everything.  Then we smartened up and realized it was saturated fat that was bad.  We made saturated fat free versions of everything.

We did this with cholesterol, with salt and most recently with carbohydrates during the Atkins craze.  Does anyone still think a carb-free, bacon-filled Atkins diet is a good idea?  Probably not.  But it doesn’t matter, because now we know gluten is the devil.  We must make gluten-free versions of everything.

Individuals in the world can be very smart, but when you put enough of us together like an ant colony and call us consumers and judge us as a whole, the consumer is a moron.  The American consumer especially is a moron.  It does what it is told all the time.  For evidence of this, please go back and review every single one of those diet trends that has unfolded exactly like this gluten-free crap has.  We don’t think for ourselves as consumer, we just go with the flow and do what good little consumers do – we consume.  It’s just that in this case we’re not consuming gluten.

If a doctor hasn’t told you not to eat gluten, go eat a goddamn pizza.  If your mom or neighbor or roommate is eating gluten-free and a doctor didn’t tell them not to eat gluten, they’re being foolish and irresponsible.  Eating gluten-free without medical reasons is like taking blood pressure medication just for kicks.  You shouldn’t let Mr. Christie and Lean Cuisine diagnose your health issues for you.  That’s a good way to both waste money and eat a lot of crappy tasting food.