By mid-November, every mall in North America is blasting Christmas music at shoppers in case they forgot they only have a month left to spend all their money. Generally speaking this hilariously counterintuitive move is meant to put you in the holiday spirit and not run you out of the mall jamming your keys into your ears. But it could be worse. The following 9 songs will likely not be heard at your local mall this year and for good reason, this may be the most heinous list of auditory Christmastime mistakes ever assembled. Fear them.
Santa Claus Has Got the Aids
What better way to really hone that Christmas spirit than by focusing on an AIDS-riddled St. Nick dying at home in bed? Tiny Tim decided to pretend he wasn’t talking about the disease when he wrote this song, instead it was about some kind of supplement or some crap named Ayds, except it just makes no sense with the lyrics. We all know what’s up.
All I Want for Christmas is My Upper Plate
You know the song “All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth?” This is a parody of that only they took it to the next level by suggesting the singer is old and has no teeth and needs a dental plate. Get it? It’s a parody that doesn’t change the subject matter at all. It’s a non-parody? I can’t say. Nonetheless, it’s full of fake Swedish accents and jokes about difficulty chewing.
Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas
John Denver tugs at your heart strings with this slow burner about your drunk ass dad making mommy cry. You really know how to make the holidays bright, Denver.
What Do You Get a Wookiee When he Already Owns a Comb
The Star Wars Christmas special was an atrocity so bad it’s rumored even George Lucas didn’t like it, and he thought Jar Jar Binks would be the best part of the prequel trilogy, so he’s kind of a bonehead. Anyway, this song comes from that legendary special and is exactly what it sounds like.
Mary Did You Know
Some people really like this Kenny Rogers/Wynonna Judd duet. They’re probably made of wax, too. This may be the slowest, dullest, most-dread-inspiring Christmas song ever penned. This song plays like a yuletide suicide note, daring you to make it to the end before kicking the chair out from under your feet. It’s like Kenny Rogers personally hates you so he wanted to bore you with schmaltz about the mother of God until you run screaming from his chicken restaurant.
The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot
This is one of those Christmas songs meant to depress you. It’s a popular genre that is hard to understand – why do they record so many of these downer tunes on a day that’s generally considered happy? Why do some people like to wallow in misery, anyway? The point of this song is some kind has no dad and didn’t get any presents this year. It’s a rough deal. It’ll make you want to put on some Adele to cheer up.
Cyndi Lauper was scraping the bottom of the Christmas barrel for this. It’s like she had to choose a word out of a hat and got stuck with conga then was told to record a Christmas song. This was the best she could be expected to do within those guidelines. Incidentally – bonga bonga bonga ain’t even a thing.
Everybody Knows the Clause
Remember Hanson? They recorded way more songs than MmmBop, including this half assed attempt to say something about Christmas. It’s like shrugging in a Santa hat set to music.
If Lady Gaga didn’t record this at gunpoint I think we’ll all be surprised. It’s just so unnecessarily awful in every way. From the Christmas sexual innuendo to…well, that’s all this song has, sexual innuendo with a Christmas theme. Her disco stick we all tolerated, but her Christmas tree being delicious and everyone naked under the tree is just silly. You can’t fit two naked people under a Christmas tree, Lady. We tried.