So you’ve decided to forgo talent and creativity and hope blonde hair and possessing an ass can pass for the tools needed to be famous, good for you! But there’s more to be the world’s next Iggy Azalea than just having a gender-mystifying name and a long braid. You’re going to need to work at this. Lucky for you there’s a pretty straightforward formula that anyone can use to go from dishwasher at Chili’s to international rap superstar in no time!
To start things off, you’re going to want to Minaj yourself, which for you older people means Lopezification, not to be mistaken with George Lopezification, which means just to not be funny. Now if you’re not genetically equipped with the necessary posterior you have options and they are;
Fake it: Try wearing a diaper, stuffing your pants with old newspaper, or rip the shoulder pads from your grandma’s old clothes and stick them down your pants.
Buy it: many surgeons these days are willing to inject your hind end with silicone for a reasonable price. If you don’t have the money, back alley hack jobs can also be purchased in which some stranger will inject you with bike tire sealant and mineral oil!
Make it: If you have the dedication and the curious genetics to allow it to happen, you can always try forming your own “ghetto booty” by rating a hell of a lot of cake and fried chicken.
Basically you need your hind end to look like one of these;
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Iggy didn’t get where she is just for having a butt, oh no. She has a music career and if you’ve heard her rap you’re probably snickering right now. But snicker no longer! To emulate her success you need to master her rap style. Try working these thoughtful lyrics into a fresh, funky freestyle spit at a super fast pace as your hook. Faster is better in the world of Iggy Azalea, at least in terms of rapping.
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Now that you have a hook, just rhyme it out for 2 minutes and you got yourself a new hit single!. Unsure of what rhymes to use? We got you covered there, too.
Humping – bumping, thumping, stumping, sumthin’
Love – glove, above, drug, crave, dog
Sex – text, Mexican, $5
Kiss – miss, piss, didgeridoo
Rap – crap, cap, map, shmap, thwap, hapablap
Party – hearty, farty, parole
Loose – goose, noose, too easy
Off – scoff, off, the clap
Haters – waiters, masturbaters, Snoop Dogg
Congratulations, you’re basically all set to write and perform your own Iggy Azalea song. Just remember, when in doubt, sing as fast as you can so it all sounds like mush, then fans will just assume you’re so super good you just rap too fast for human hearing!