The Sexiest Way To Stop Cancer Ever

I think we can all agree that cancer sucks. Scientists have been working for decades to figure out the best ways to fight it. Chemotherapy, medicine, all sorts of methods have been used, but none have been sexy... until now.

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley have discovered that squeezing breasts can stop breast cancer. They injected malignant breast cells into a silicone base and applied pressure to it. Over time, those cells began to grow normally. A set of malignant cells that didn't receive pressure continued to grow poorly, which could lead to cancer.

Cancer fighting is hot!

So basically, ladies, you gotta squeeze your breasts. Now, the researchers didn't say how often you have to do this but I live by the "better safe than sorry" motto. And while I am no doctor, I have done decently on surgery simulators and watched Scrubs when it was on, so I have doctor-ish knowledge and feel safe when I recommend touching your breasts as much as you can. Preferably with a sexy lady friend who needs to fight cancer, too. Maybe you both can help each other. Apply some oil or something, I don't know. I'm always here to lend a helping hand or two.

On a serious note, breast cancer is terrible so any good news in the fight against it is fantastic. My great-grandmother and grandmother had it. They both survived, but it was rough. Plus, thinking about their boobs during my prepubescent years was awkward. Let's just saw there were lots of ups and downs.

Now, let's look at ladies fighting cancer!

- Mark (twitter me)