The Sexiest Way To Stop Cancer Ever

Mark-Potts by Mark-Potts on May. 31, 2013

I think we can all agree that cancer sucks. Scientists have been working for decades to figure out the best ways to fight it. Chemotherapy, medicine, all sorts of methods have been used, but none have been sexy... until now.

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley have discovered that squeezing breasts can stop breast cancer. They injected malignant breast cells into a silicone base and applied pressure to it. Over time, those cells began to grow normally. A set of malignant cells that didn't receive pressure continued to grow poorly, which could lead to cancer.

Cancer fighting is hot!

So basically, ladies, you gotta squeeze your breasts. Now, the researchers didn't say how often you have to do this but I live by the "better safe than sorry" motto. And while I am no doctor, I have done decently on surgery simulators and watched Scrubs when it was on, so I have doctor-ish knowledge and feel safe when I recommend touching your breasts as much as you can. Preferably with a sexy lady friend who needs to fight cancer, too. Maybe you both can help each other. Apply some oil or something, I don't know. I'm always here to lend a helping hand or two.

On a serious note, breast cancer is terrible so any good news in the fight against it is fantastic. My great-grandmother and grandmother had it. They both survived, but it was rough. Plus, thinking about their boobs during my prepubescent years was awkward. Let's just saw there were lots of ups and downs.

Now, let's look at ladies fighting cancer!

- Mark (twitter me)

MORE CANCER FIGHTING ON PAGE 2!

27 comments
TacoLoco
TacoLoco User

i thought the trendy thing to do now was just chop them off, why even risk it, since anyone can get cancer in any part of their body we should just kill all human life on the planet, problem solved no more cancer

TacoLoco
TacoLoco

i thought the trendy thing to do now was just chop them off, why even risk it, since anyone can get cancer in any part of their body we should just kill all human life on the planet, problem solved no more cancer

The-Langolier
The-Langolier UserTop Commenter

"Let's just saw there were lots of ups and downs." Proof read, Mark.

The-Langolier
The-Langolier

"Let's just saw there were lots of ups and downs." Proof read, Mark.

whatinitheworld
whatinitheworld UserTop Commenter

First one on 2nd page should be my wife!

Deo-Rivera-993
Deo-Rivera-993

who in gods name is that beautiful siren 5 pictures up on page 2? I must know!!!

Deo-Rivera-993
Deo-Rivera-993

who in gods name is that beautiful siren 5 pictures up on page 2? I must know!!!

doggin6
doggin6 UserTop Commenter

dont word things so dumb, and you might get a stright answer. but ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer, so your answer is "maple tree"

MThorne74
MThorne74 User

Alice Goodwin, according to Google's image search

apewty
apewty User

5 pictures from the bottom on page 2 is Alice Goodwin. She's English. Look at Zoo magazine.

doggin6
doggin6

dont word things so dumb, and you might get a stright answer. but ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer, so your answer is "maple tree"

MThorne74
MThorne74

Alice Goodwin, according to Google's image search

apewty
apewty

5 pictures from the bottom on page 2 is Alice Goodwin. She's English. Look at Zoo magazine.

roddawg
roddawg User

coming from someone who can't spell straight........

Nutzac
Nutzac User

no he meant the third one down.

roddawg
roddawg

coming from someone who can't spell straight........

Nutzac
Nutzac

no he meant the third one down.