I don’t get how The Purge was America’s number 1 movie last week. It’s legitimately just shit we’ve shown on Break a million times, but with higher production value and that creepy downward front door camera angle.
Honestly, change the backdrop from a residential neighborhood to a Georgia Waffle House and it’s your average Tuesday on the site.
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See money, want money, take money- that’s Purge 101
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In their defense, $3.50 for a side of short stacks is outrageous
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Any chance of a civilized society goes right out the window the first time a person pisses in the corner of an elevator.
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So everyone’s just cool with that Jesus move at the 8-second mark, huh? No TV specials on Discovery Channel after Skywire for the greatest display of human talent in the history of the world? Okay.
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Any crime that can be committed in less than 18 seconds shouldn’t even count.
We’ve been purging forever. Now somebody throws a camera on it and makes $50 million?
But if the Purge was real – a totally free 12 hours to commit any crime you want, no questions asked – page three describes how we would recommend actually doing it, as people who have been witnessing purging for years now.
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Hours 0-2: Break EVERYTHING, Specifically Glassware
Remember being a kid playing Goldeneye, and it would be like your 600th time running through Facility so you decided to just shoot glass beakers and windows for 20 minutes? That’s why I’m spending my first 2 hours in purge world breaking glass and or anything else that can provide that good shatter feeling. I’m grabbing a baseball bat and going to garage sales, jewelry stores with glass cases lining the showroom, car dealerships, etc. and/or unleashing years of pent-up aggression by driving golf balls into sides of glass office buildings.
Hours 3-6: Looting
There are very few times in life when looting is acceptable, but this is one of them. The only issue I forsee is that nobody I know knows how to execute a proper loot. Everyone will go for the same shit, and that’s where the violence stems from. So I’m gonna let everybody else fight it out over their iPhone 6 grabs and their romps through Macy’s, while I get fat off the spoils of second tier retailers like P.C. Richard and Son and Kohl’s.
Hours 7-8: Petty Crimes
This is the money hour of the Purge. This is your chance to carry out those tiny misdemeanors you’ve always wanted to perpetrate but could never pull the trigger on. So for this hour, I’m ripping mattress tags, jaywalking, and dammit if I don’t record and redistribute NFL games without the express written consent of both the league and FOX.
Hours 9-11: Rob a Bank
The classic fantasy of any red-blooded American. Who didn’t immediately start scheming their plan after watching Clive Owen pull it off in Inside Man? Now there’s several ways to go about a bank heist. Are you gonna’ dress the hostages to look like the robbers? Are you gonna’ go with masks of ex-presidents? Will you need to kill a civilian to show you have follow through?
Hour 12: Deaths I Wouldn’t Prevent
I’m not going to go on record and condone murder, but let’s just say I’m not scrambling to call an ambulance if one of these types of people were gasping for air in my arms:
– People who leave the clicky noise on their iphone texts
– Runners who jog in place waiting for the green light to cross an intersection
– Girls who hashtag each word of a sentence on a Facebook status
– “Bahaha” users
– People who continue walking on an escalator instead of enjoying the ride
– Every motorcycle rider who weaves through traffic while we suffer
Well now I’m in a full purge mindset and I feel like I’m in prime purge shape. Let’s purge.
– Jake Strasser (follow on twitter)