The Puppy Bowl Is Bulls**t

You’ve probably seen the ads over the years for this thing called Puppy Bowl. Tiny, cute dogs get thrown into a playpen that looks like a football field and fight over a football and various other toys. Meanwhile, a referee calls penalties and we are provided with slow-motion replays of various playful incidents. And they call this football.

I call this bullshit.

There is no football being played. There isn’t even a competition! It’s just a show to get you to tune in and give Animal Planet’s sponsors eyes and padded wallets. We’re being had, nation, and it’s time to stop.

Here are, apparently, classic tackles and fumbles. I’m sorry, but there aren’t any tackles and any fumbles. It’s just a bunch of dogs running around and playing. And they aren’t even trying hard to protect the f**king ball! Do you see Adrian Peterson running up and down the field with the ball in his mouth? No! He’s holding on with one strong arm and wrapping it up as he gets hit.

These dogs don’t know anything about football. How did they even get on these teams in the first place? Where are the Puppy Bowl tryouts? Is someone getting paid off? Which one of these dogs has a dad sucking off the President of Animal Planet? Answer: all of them.

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Double touchdown? THOSE DON’T EVEN EXIST! How did this happen? Oh, so the puppies play by different rules. I’m sorry, but that is utter bulls**t. You remember that kid you played basketball with that always made up rules that suited him? That’s what is going on here. These puppies are cheating little assholes making up rules so they can appease themselves.

And where’s the ref? Oh, yeah, the ref…

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This is just a veiled suicide letter and we’re all just laughing away unknowingly.

The only good thing about the Puppy Bowl is they allow nipples in their halftime show.

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You know what would make the Puppy Bowl interesting? Make it worth watching. If I want to see a bunch of dogs playing around, I can go to a dog park. I want to see dogs playing sports.

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Yeah, that’s too far…

I’m tired of seeing these dogs get away with offsides penalties all the time. Pass interference is all over the place and don’t even get me started about holding calls. Let’s train these little assholes to really play the game. Then, and only then, can we really start enjoying the Puppy Bowl.