People Think The New Spider-Man Trailer Gives Away The Whole Movie. It Doesn’t

The new Spider-Man trailer just hit the—heh heh, get ready for a Marvel-ous pun—interWEBS and dorks worldwide are in an uproar: they think the trailer gives away way too much of the movie.

It doesn’t.

Sure, it teases a bunch of major set pieces and character reveals, but trust me folks. I was invited to a critics preview last week and I can promise that the trailer doesn’t blow ANY of the truly major surprises in store for Spidey fans.

For example, it doesn’t even hint that the movie begins with Tobey Maguire still playing the role of Spider-Man but growing lonely as a bachelor, then taking a homeless kid in off the streets, then dying when he accidentally drinks Raid. Then the kid puts on the suit and says, “I will carry on your legacy, father. For now I am Spider-Man.”

He’s baaack!

But he doesn’t have the spider powers yet so he volunteers to do clean-up at Fukushima and hope a radioactive spider bites him (it does, obviously) in a montage set to Skrillex. That’s not in the trailer at all.

Think fans are mad now? Imagine if the trailer spoiled the awesome reveal that Spider-Man joins forces with new character Spider-GIRL at the end of the first act. I’m glad they didn’t spoil that one! (And I think it goes without saying that it’s a huge step forward for diversity and acceptance that not only did they introduce a female Spider-Man, but she’s also kinda overweight. Of course, the SJW’s will probably be in an uproar over the fact that he’s a “Man” while she’s a “Girl” and also that she gets beaten to death by a black guy robbing a Costco halfway through. You know they’re going to say it’s “problematic” or whatever because she gets killed by a normal guy that doesn’t even have super powers.)

I’d say whomever cut the trailer showed remarkable restraint, actually. I’d have been tempted to cut in all the cameos of celebrities playing themselves, like when Spider-Man swings by and knocks the milkshake out of Amy Schumer’s hands and she just shrugs her shoulders and says, “Eh, take a hint I guess” or when he covers the mouth and nose of the Cash Me Outside Howbow Dah girl with webbing, suffocating her.

Gotta love a girl who can laugh at herself.

Probably the biggest shock is when Batman, played once again by Christian Bale (thank GOD) rolls up to the scene of the cancer research center being held hostage by Vulture (played by Michael Keaton) and ISIS. “Batman, what are you doing here,” asks Spider-Man, “you’re from the DC Universe and never the twain shall meet!” “You’re wrong Spider-Man,” says Batman, “Our parent studios have joined forces and I’m here to announce a slate of cross-over films.” TOO COOL!

WE MISSED YOU!

And of course, no trailer is ever truly going to give away the ending, so go ahead and watch it; they don’t even hint at the climax where Spider-Man fights Mecha-Trump and CGI Heath Ledger’s Joker atop One World Trade Center, defeating both in time to diffuse the nuclear bomb at the X-Men training facility.

Spider-Man still dies at the end. How? Oh, you’re just going to have to see the movie!

(Actually, I’ll just tell you: he gets run over by a tank.)