Hollywood thrives on cocaine and endless hope. Also nepotism. For the purposes of this article we’ll just stick with the nepotism aspect since it lends itself to the clever title we thought up. We all know about the famous brothers who have embarrassed their families, Frank Stallone comes to mind, but there’s another breed of brother out there, not the shameful brother that families try to hide in the woodshed or crawlspace, the brother who, against all odds, has continued to work and flourish in his own career when all signs seem to indicate that he should have perished or succumbed to his own suckitude ages ago. These unexceptional brothers must be in possession of unheard of powers because, let’s be honest, there’s no real world way any of them should still have jobs. Let’s investigate! To the next paragraph!
It is literally impossibly to write anything about less impressive brothers and not include Clint Howard. We’re not misusing the word “literally” either. We tried to publish this without including him and the internet sent us an email telling us to screw ourselves and it scrapped the first draft.
Known Powers: Howard has been bald since childhood and wields a maw full of gnarly Chiclets. Do kids these days still know what Chiclets are? Look into Clint Howard’s face, you’ll see. Unlike most actors who seem to strive diverse roles and powerful scripts, Clint Howard will show up in your movie as “Clint Howard” or “Guy as Startling to Gaze Upon as Clint Howard” if need be, regardless of how preposterous the script is. Want proof? He’s been in an Uwe Boll movie. That said, if Clint is in the movie you’re watching, you can almost guarantee it’s going to be a fun movie. Maybe not a good movie, but a fun one.
Possible Weakness: Leading roles, anything not related to goblins or goblin-like behavior.
Julia’s older brother Eric is the poster boy for “oh, that guy!” reactions from viewers who are positive they recognize him but never invested enough to care about finding out if he even has a name. But he does. It’s Eric. Make a note of it so you can forget it by the time you see Sharktopus or even that first Batman with Christian Bale again. He’s in both. And a Killers video!
Known Powers: Roberts has the uncanny knack for ensuring you never remember what you saw him in. As his ability to remain in your memory is as slippery as Teflon on a duck’s ass, it’s possible other powers could include flight, heat vision and razor boners. You’d never know.
Possible Weakness: Constant depression caused by a world of apathy
The Baldwins are film icons, not so much for their combined talent, but just because they exist and there’s so many of them. It’s like an ant farm. Daniel Baldwin wins a special placed for being the Baldwin deemed least appealing by filmmakers, which is really saying something. This may be due to his penchant for getting high and running naked through hotels, stealing cars, or for trying to pick up porn stars while they’re both in rehab. Hard to say. Those aren’t jokes, by the way, those things really happened. Mr. Baldwin has some issues we hope he’s overcome.
Known Powers: Yetism (having the characteristics of a Yeti).
Possible Weakness: Cocaine.
Like his brother Daniel, Stephen is a Baldwin. Unlike Daniel. Stephen used extreme sports as a method of preaching in his capacity as a born-again Christian and has an HM tattoo on his shoulder that stands for Hannah Montana. Can you even begin to calculate the odds that you’ll read a more ridiculous sentence all day? Never forget that Stephen once gave a stellar performance in The Usual Suspects.
Known Powers: Storming reality television like no other.
Possible Weakness: The Devil.
The Dude abides while Beau Bridges gets work when people can’t afford Jeff Bridges. That’s not really mean as he looks enough like his brother to fool small children or the elderly. Bridges won a Grammy in 2009 for reading an Inconvenient Truth, proving once and for all that when you win a Grammy it inexplicably means less than nothing. He was just reading. You’re doing that right now.
Known Powers: Being interchangeable with any Bridges. Even Lloyd.
Possible Weakness: Being in the same room at the same time with his father or brother.
Being the son of Dom DeLuise presents no boots to fill. No offense to Dom DeLuise, but did you even know he had more than one son, assuming you know who Dom DeLuise even is? He had three sons and none of them are the same person, they just all look exactly the same.. And amongst all the sons, known for their contributions to filmed-in-Canada sci-fi epics, David stands head and shoulders above the others. Because he starred in Wizards of Waverly Place, Disney’s answer to Harry Potter, which launched Selena Gomez to stardom. You may have either very positive or very negative feelings about this.
Known Powers: Despite being exactly like his brothers, David managed to press luck to its limits and score a gig on the network that can make any show a hit no matter how terrible the writing or acting, so good for him.
Possible Weakness: The day they stopped filming Wizards of Waverly Place.
This is amazing and almost beyond the human mind’s ability to fathom, but somehow, between Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen, Emilio is considered the disappointment by common folk. This is only because Charlie Sheen took his career to the lofty height of literal insanity and broke down for all to see for, what was it, a month or two? Then he just went away. And still you think he was more successful than Emilio since Emilio hasn’t done much acting since the 80s. He does direct, though!
Known Powers: Remembering how he starred in The Breakfast Club.
Possible Weakness: Everything that has existed since the Breakfast Club
Trying to pick the least remarkable Jackson is like trying to pick the turd you’d most like to carry in your hand for an hour or so. Love him or be touched by him, Michael Jackson was influential and a huge force in music, and his sister Janet once showed a boob at some football game. Then there’s like 16 more of them, each one more ridiculous than the last.
How did Jermaine win the honor today? He has a kid named Jermajesty. For God’s sake. Really, Jermaine? Really?
Known Powers: Trying to remind everyone he was related to Michael Jackson.
Possible Weakness: His haircut.