The Morning Wrap: June 28th Staff by Staff on Jun. 28, 2013

Too tired to keep up with the news that’s going on after you leave work?  Too distracted to start over again with what’s trending this morning?  No worries, we’ve got you covered with the Morning Wrap, a little taste of the best stories you may have missed from last night and this morning that are buzzing around the internet today.  Now you can make small talk about current events without really giving a damn about current events!

The New Yorker Goes Gayer

If you don’t read the New Yorker (and you don’t) you may have missed the new cover featuring Burt and Ernie watching the Supreme Court on television, with Ernie resting his head on Burt’s shoulder and Burt’s arm around Ernie.  See how that works?  Means Burt and Ernie are gay.  Did Sesame Street OK that?

The UK OK’s Genetically Insane Babies

Afraid of the risk of having a child was a certain mitochondrial genetic disorder?  The UK is going ahead with a plan to allow for a baby to be made with the DNA of three people via invitro fertilization.  Mom’s egg, dad’s sperm and the mitochondria of a third person to prevent a disorder than can lead to blindness and heart failure.  Will a child with the DNA of three people be a super baby with laser vision?  Science doesn’t say yes but it hasn’t said no yet either.

There’s a Bike Humper in Sweden

Some poor shlub has actually been caught on tape in Sweden cutting open a bike tire and making sweet love to that Schwinn.  Why hump a bike?  Man, never question the Swedes.  Point is he’s a serial offender and now he’s on tape.  Hopefully Sweden’s version of the FBI is on the case.

The Tour de Doping

According to Lance Armstrong, one-testicled, drug-abusing bicycle enthusiast, you can’t win the Tour de France without doping.  Please read that again.  You just can’t do it.  If no one in the Tour de France takes drugs, no one will win, they will just all drive off a French highway into a baguette factory and explode.  And you can’t doubt the word of Lance Armstrong, because he doped better than anyone.

You Can’t Raise Kids on Storage Wars

Sheena Johnson of New Jersey was just charged with child endangerment and released on $50,000  bail after police found out she’d be living with and leaving her kids alone in a 5x10 storage unit that had no water or electricity.  The community raised the moment for her bail which probably could have been better used to get the kids a room at the Super 8.

Berserk Baldwin

Remember Alec Baldwin?  Sure you do, he’s the Baldwin who’s made movies you’ve watched on purpose.  He attended the funeral of James Gandolfini yesterday with his wife where it was reported she was updating Twitter during the service.  Baldwin was not amused by this report and then literally lost his mind on Twitter in response, because everything must always happen on Twitter all the time.

whatinitheworld UserTop Commenter

What the hell New Yorker? It's been clearly stated by Sesame Street those two puppets are not gay. Why is the gay world so obsessed with them? Will that reassure them or something?

llga01 User

Baldwin is a bigger douchebag than comrade obamas.  I think they "Burt & Ernie" each other!

The-Langolier UserTop Commenter

Break Staff. Please add reference links when you're talking about real world news, and not only out of your own ass. Right now, without having read the Lance Armstrong article you are talking about, I'm forced to believe that you either misunderstood what Lance said about not being able to win without taking performance enhancing drugs, or attempted to take what he said too literal, to be witty, which you were not. Also, I know for a fact that some of these "stories" are  more than a day old, which makes this ("the best stories you may have missed from last night and this morning") invalid. It's important that I know which news-sources I know you're taking from.

leakyseptic User

Lance Armstrong was named after Lance Rentzel, the NFL player who exposed himself. He was bound to be exposed....

jbart321 User

Lance is right.  They are all cheaters.  Tour De France is a joke.

DoucheVadar User

I'm too "tried" to put up with spelling errors.

eldystar User

@whatinitheworld same thing with dumbledore he was not gay if he was she would have had the balls to write it into her books.   oh after everyone has purchased the books and it is totally safe I guess dumbledore was gay.   Screw the politically correct crap.



thanks for adding your picture to one of Break's latest galleries dude

pixiesprimecut User

@jbart321 Piss off  !  the British are totally clean.  we don't believe in cheating. we believe in fair play in or lose.

DoucheVadar User

P.S. Stop barhopping on Thursday nights.  You probably have drunk-nose, smoke-skin, bed-head right now, huh?

The-Langolier UserTop Commenter

@theomis @The-Langolier Their intent I can see was to have some funny and interesting news-articles. They did not fail in that way, because I did actually find these interesting and funny. The method of presentation is however not that great. Just reading them as they are is good enough, because of the content. The extra jokes crudely attached onto them seem sort of forced. It's OK to shorten them to fit it all in one article, but if anyone wants to read any more information on them, or to verify the legitimacy of the content if in doubt, they need to do so on their own, externally.