The Morning Wrap: July 5th

Happy day after Independence Day!  For many of us today is a free day off, for others it’s back to the grind in an unsettling hiccup across a planned long weekend.  Either way, who has time to go watch CNN and get poorly fact-checked news?  Stay here and read our “as good as network news” fact checked news.

JPII is a Saint

We mentioned earlier that they were considering sainthood, today it’s official.  After deciding that the Pope’s first miracle was curing a nun of Parkinson’s, he’s now been given a second miracle, curing a woman in Costa Rica of a brain injury.  Good thing we’re a funny website fully of funny and amazing videos who in no way wants to open any kind of bag of worms by editorializing something like this!

Spies in Advance

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Because America loves to spy and the media now loves to report on America’s love of spying, word today is that tech companies like Microsoft alert the government of loopholes, backdoors and flaws in programming well ahead of patching them so that they can be exploited for spying on people overseas.  Probably only to spy on people overseas though and not on us because they clearly don’t need any more help spying on us.  Don’t be surprised if you find out one day your toilet company installs a tiny camera in the bowl.

Boom Goes the 4th

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Thousands of people attended a fireworks display in Simi Valley, California and did not get a chanc to work out all their “oohs” and “aahs” after something went a little haywire and fireworks started exploding into the crowd like the special effects in a poorly made 1980s sci-fi film.  At least 20 people went to the hospital as a result and the bomb squad had to come in to remove the rest of the leftover fireworks because, at that point, everyone was convinced they were possessed by voodoo spirits and out to get them.

Get Ready To Get Queasy

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In the annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island, expert eater (that’s apparently a thing) Joey Chestnut broke his own world record by eating 69 hot dogs.  Nearby hungry and homeless people were not asked for their opinion as everyone was too busy somehow not being totally revolted by an adult man literally choking back 69 weiners.

It Came From Florida

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After the police arrived to settle a dispute between neighbors over their fence, one of the neighbors, 62 year old Peggy Hill who is not Nick Nolte despite photographic evidence to the contrary, thought it might be a fun idea to kiss one of the responding deputies on the nose.  The responding deputy then thought it would be a fun idea to send Hill to jail for assaulting a police officer.  Kids, don’t kiss cops.  At least not if you look like Nick Nolte.