Today’s the day and that means, if you’re in a relationship, you’re almost required by law to go out and buy some arbitrary shit to express your love not because your partner doubts it, or needs that confirmation but because everyone else is doing it and you’ll look bad if you don’t. This is doubly true if you’re in a relationship with someone who proclaims they don’t even care about Valentine’s Day and they don’t want a gift. You absolutely must get them something lest you be hit with a passive aggressive “I’m glad we didn’t do anything, I didn’t want anything anyway.”
Now that we’ve established you’re buying a gift, be prepared to receive one. And also be prepared to figure out just what the hell it means. Lucky for you, we’ve got this handy guide to decipher the clues.
What You Think it Means: You got some chocolate, maybe in the shape of a heart, and you’re probably going to have to share it with her. You’re pretty sure it’s just a fun gift you guys can enjoy together that has some kind of metaphorical sweetness meaning behind it. No big deal, but a nice thought.
What it Really Means: The absolute lack of thought. They sell chocolate at literally every single store and she saw it on her way out after buying tampons and ammo, figured it wouldn’t kill her to pick it up in case she’s hungry later.
What You Think it Means: She likes you, maybe even loves you, and didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable this year with a bunch of schmaltzy, Valentine’s crap that isn’t really your style and will make you feel awkward. This is simple, to the point, and all you need.
What it Really Means: Valentine’s Day isn’t really for dudes anyway, she doesn’t give a shit what you get. Grow a pair.
The Fancy Gift
What You Think it Means: A nice new watch, maybe some man jewelry or a big ass TV must mean she’s super into you. She loves you, man. This is the real deal. Your friends are going to be so jealous when they see what kind of awesome girl you snagged
What it Really Means: Love is money, friend. All she has to offer you is some of that proverbial phat cash. Incidentally, your gift for her better have cost as much, or else this trolley is falling off the tracks real quick like, you cheap bastard.
What You Think it Means: Romance, a quiet night, a promise of something extra special for dessert. Taking you out for dinner means she’s setting you up on that traditional date of old and, let’s be honest, you’re getting laid tonight.
What it Really Means: She literally had no idea what to do for you on Valentine’s Day and saw this in a movie. What movie? Every single movie ever made in which a date occurs because this is all anyone ever does on a date. She’s only doing this so she doesn’t feel guilty for not getting you anything.
Lingerie for Her
What You Think it Means: Sex
What it Really Means: She might have to have sex with you, but she spent the afternoon shopping for herself and only had to get one corset at the end of the day to make you happy.
What You Think it Means: She didn’t want to make you panic with a mushy gift like a stuffed pink unicorn or some flowers. Instead, this cordless drill shows she understands that you’re a man and you like man-things. She respects your manhood.
What it Really Means: Something is broken and now you have no excuse not to fix it.
What You Think it Means: You are so important to her that she didn’t bother buying some premade crap, she used her own creativity to make something for you that demonstrates by its very existence how important and special you are to her.
What it Really Means: You’re dating a highschool student or someone who has escaped an asylum.