The Los Angeles Clippers recently have been purchased for a price far greater than anyone would have guessed they would have been worth only a few months ago. There have been many theories attached to this, but the one that seems most logical is that truly rare objects don’t come up for sale. When they do, they become what is known as “priceless,” which doesn’t mean that their value can’t be calculated but rather that the value is whatever the market will bear on the rare occasions they are available. What would the Mona Lisa be worth if put for sale? We can compare it to the record breaking prices of a Pollack or a Picasso, but the truth is, nothing of the magnitude of Da Vinci’s masterpiece has come to market in modern times. By this point, you may have noticed that this article is supposed to be dealing with a Beyonce sex tape and are wondering how on earth these things tie in. Well, it should be pretty clear. To many, Jay Z among them, Beyonce is the living female embodiment of what is priceless. So then, imagine how much and how precious a Beyonce sex tape would be.
SO, ENOUGH OF THE TEASE, DUDE. IS THERE A BEYONCE SEX TAPE OR WHAT?
The short, sad and simple answer is “no.” Or “hell no” if you need a slightly longer answer. Of course, seeing that this is the internet and how easy it is to tease on the internet, there are lots of teases that proclaim that it does exist.
Sadly or happily, depending on your take on whether Jay Z and Beyonce are the epitome of royalty or just an overrated singer and his hot but vapid bride, if such a tape did exist you can bet that Mr. and Mrs. Carter would do everything in their massive power to squash it. This very clever video from “Saturday Night Live” on the power of Beyonce can serve as a brief primer on how beloved she really is to her legion of fans.
FINE, SO I CAN’T SEE A BEYONCE SEX TAPE. CAN YOU AT LEAST HOOK ME UP WITH A SMOKING HOT VIDEO OF BEYONCE?
We thought you would never ask. This video for Queen B’s song “Partition” comes complete with pole dancing, a sequined thong, and even a bit of cheetah role play. Yes, that’s right. She is dressed as a cheetah. A sexy cheetah, for sure, but a cheetah nevertheless.
For those of you who are easily confused, and hey, it can happen to the best of us, here is what a real cheetah looks like.
Ok, it’s not exactly a real cheetah, but it is a cartoon cheetah selling Cheetos. Bet you didn’t know his name was Chester Cheetah, did ‘ya? Among the differences between Beyonce and Chester are the fact that one sells Pepsi and one sells Cheetos. Interestingly, both products are owned by the same company which means that Beyonce and Chester might have more in common than you might have realized. Or wanted to realize for that matter.
You know that she must be doing something right with the video to get one of the world’s biggest douchebags, Bill O’Reilly, to say that she has “an obligation to protect children. Not put out exploitive garbage that you know harms impressionable children. I think Beyonce, what she has done here, is inexplicable.” Chill, Bill, it’s not inexplicable. It’s hot. Duh. This clip features O’Reilly sparring with Russell Simmons on the subject.
THAT WAS PRETTY COOL. HOW ABOUT ANOTHER MUSIC VIDEO, BUT THIS TIME WITH MORE HIP MOTION AND BELLY DANCING STYLE MOVES?
Sure ‘nuff. The video for “Baby Boy” features everyone’s favorite Knowles sister (sorry about that, Solange) in a duet with Sean Paul. It does indeed feature some serious belly dancing moves as well.
If you feel like skipping just to the good stuff, enjoy this GIF instead.
WOULD I NEED TO MARRY BEYONCE TO HAVE HER DO A SEX TAPE WITH ME?
That question is ridiculous on countless levels. But let’s pretend for a moment she wasn’t married and that you, dear reader, laying around in your boxers on your futon, were man enough to get busy with one of the world’s most sexy women. Let’s also pretend that Jay Z won’t kick your ass for meddling with his baby mama and singing partner. Even if all those things had happened, you still might have to put a ring on her to get her naked. Songs never lie, right?
OK, SO ARE THERE AT LEAST ANY NAKED PHOTOS OF BEYONCE OUT THERE I CAN GET MY GREEDY LITTLE EYES ON?
The fact that you refer to your own eyes as “greedy” is an issue that you should deal with in another forum, but there are several nearly nude photos of her available. Just as in the sex tape issue, there aren’t any truly explicit ones available. Then again, considering it is a Jay Z world and we are all only lowly tenants in it, we should be thankful for what we have.
There is also the possible nipple appearance during the 2014 Grammys, where she performed a super steamy “Drunk In Love” with Mr. Carter. Is it really a nipple or part of her outfit? Beyond Jay Z, perhaps only her stylist or Blue Ivy will ever know.
That performance from the Grammys was actually quite memorable beyond the possible boobage or lack thereof. Is it worth watching in its entirety, both for musical and erotic reasons? The smart money has to be saying yes.
There are also chances to see the ever-popular and aptly if sophomorically named sideboob images of Queen B. Take a gander at this clip, but make sure you aren’t being spied on by a member of Jay Z’s massive posse. They can be mean.
It can be almost as fun to say “sideboob” as it is to look at it, so feel free to do both while gazing at this image:
WHAT DOES BEYONCE THINK ABOUT SEX?
Well, that’s a doozy of a question. Her image has always been tightly controlled from her earliest days as a singer, but occasionally a glimpse of the real person underneath comes through. For example, she has said that she would like to have sex at “The Louvre, or under the Arc de Triomphe...Paris is a beautiful, sexy city.'' Wow. As if Paris needed any more good PR as to what a sexy city it is. They certainly owe Mrs. Carter at least a free beret for the ringing endorsement.
She is also on record as to what is required to get her in the mood. It seems that all that is required is “a cozy blanket, red wine, fruit, '90s R&B playing on my iPod. I don't think you need much else.'' Intriguing answer. Once again, offering a free endorsement, but this time for an Apple product. Who wouldn’t want to know what kind of R&B she was listening to as well? Could it be her own music, or would that be too narcissistic? Then again, as Jay Z ranks as among the more narcissistic humans to have ever lived, it would be a safe bet that some of his or her tracks would be in the mix.
DID BEYONCE REALLY WAIT UNTIL SHE HAD A RING ON IT TO HAVE SEX?
At least according to the official accounts, the answer to that one is a definite yes. One guy who came close but no cigar was her first real boyfriend, Houston chef Lyndell Locke. He has had quite a bit to say on it in years since, as clearly he messed up.
“Beyonce was the love of my life and I was hers, so losing her is still my biggest regret. She would say to me all the time, ‘I’m afraid to ever live my life without you Lyndall, I want you to be mine for ever’.
I’ll be honest — it was me that messed everything up and lost her for ever to Jay Z, but I deserved it.
Who cheats on a woman as beautiful as Beyonce? Well, I am that man and it’s something that’ll always haunt me.”
Ok, so the guy didn’t exactly win the Lottery when it comes to brains. He did though experience something that very few people have….a steamy kiss with Beyonce. “It was just after Beyonce’s 15th birthday. I surprised her with Brian McKnight concert tickets and it happened that night. I had got popcorn and as we were sitting in our seats I dropped it. As we both went down to grab it we bumped heads, and locked into our first kiss.”
Hold on, Brian McKnight tickets? That’s all it takes? Sheesh.
He continued by saying “We both just looked at each other realizing there was this incredible spark of fireworks between us. It was that fairytale kiss you only hear about in the movies. That was the first feeling of true love between me and Beyonce. Still, to this day, I’ve never had another kiss as passionate as that one.”